Erosion
by Forbiddensoul562
Summary: I understood it… I knew I did. Each thing made sense… but for some reason my mind couldn’t hold on to the knowledge and it slipped like sand through my fingers. Rated for later content. Slight MxN. Please r&r!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Well, here it is! The story the majority of people voted for on my profile poll. First off, I want to thank all of the people who made this whole thing possible (I sound like I'm winning an award, Lol!). Anyway, first off, to my amazing Zombie L, for whom this story is dedicated, for getting me to start this in the first place. Second, to Jackai, for showing me the video I got this from! And last, to the two people that edited this: Insanitoon, and Bio-Electric Anemone. Thank you all! In any case, happy reading, and please be sure to let me know what you think at the end!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are in this story.

Chapter 1

Near's P.O.V

The day started out just as it always did. I woke up at about 6:30, even though the officials woke the kids up at seven. I liked that the short time allowed me to take a shower, and be alone without others around to disturb the silence.

Later that morning, I went down to breakfast and ate by myself –just like I always did. Everyone else liked to sit with their friends, and talk about meaningless things. But I always preferred the solitary silence where I could think about whatever I wanted and plan out the day.

Human interaction was an interesting thing to me. It was something that I could easily observe, but always felt that I could not join in on. And even then, sometimes, there were things about it that I did not understand.

As I sat in the dining hall and observed the people as they talked about nonsense, I knew that that was part of what I did not understand.

How could it be that a person could rely on another in such a way? How was it that they generated a sense of trust with the other person in whom they could tell that person, and only them, certain things? Did they not think about how easily it could be for them to betray that trust?

Honestly, it seemed as though withholding all important information would be the safest, and best option.

But as I watched the girls at a table not too far away from me, talking on and on about something another girl said the previous day, I knew I would never understand.

People can be so confusing

As I went to take my dishes to the kitchen, Mello approached me and I instantly knew what he would bring up.

"Did you study for the math test today?" He asked, but I knew he didn't care in one way or another. It was simply his way of bringing up the subject, so that he could then commence in the assault I knew would follow.

"No." I answered simply, turning away from him as though shrugging him off. I knew he hated to be ignored. Normally, I was quite polite to people, but when it came to Mello, I could never help but feed the flame of his anger. "It's quite easy material; I did not feel it necessary."

As I turned back to him in order to leave the kitchen, I observed the way his fists clenched. Mello had probably stayed up all night trying to study. And he was probably trying to hold himself back from hitting me now –if there were less people around I know he'd do it.

"Well…" He fought for words. "I'm still going to beat you!" He nearly shouted out at me as I stepped away. I was actually surprised that he just let me leave like that.

I didn't say anything back to him, but I mentally planned out exactly what I would have, had I _wanted_ him to lose control and attack me. _'Yes, I'm sure you will. Because we both know how well that plan has stood strong in the past.'_ But I bit my tongue –it would just be too easy.

I made my way out of the dining room and down the nearby hallway where our classroom was located. Just like every other morning, I was the first one in the classroom.

I sat down at my desk and opened one of the math books to our section. My eyes scanned over it, and while my mind –for some reason- told me I didn't understand what I was seeing, I knew I had to understand it.

It was basic trigonometry. To me, this was as easy as two plus two was to a child. Math was simple –a series of easy steps that led to a certain solution. What I _didn't _understand was how people got confused, and got things wrong on it.

My eyes scanned the page as if reading any other book, and my mind tried to quickly complete each problem as they went.

However, as I tried that, for some reason my mind seemed to draw a blank when I got roughly halfway through each problem.

'_What's going on?'_ I asked myself, looking back at the sample problems that explained how to do each one. I understood it… I knew I did. Each thing made sense… but for some reason my mind couldn't hold on to the knowledge and it slipped like sand through my fingers.

The teacher had just taught this material a couple of days ago, so there was no reason why I should have forgotten all of it. And even if I had, there was no reason why I should have any trouble picking it back up again as I looked at the page.

What was wrong with me?

I jumped suddenly when the bell rang and the rest of the kids in the class began to filter into the room –the looks on their faces, I noticed, was a whole array of half asleep and worrying about the imminent test.

I looked back at the book and began trying to understand the math problems once again. I had to understand this… I had to get it.

All of a sudden, the teacher entered into the room. The woman was always very calm; who dealt well with children, and was an overall, a good teacher. But… for some reason I couldn't remember her name.

"Alright, class, take out a piece of paper and a pencil. As you all know, we have a test today." She said, carrying with her a small stack of papers that I figured was the test.

I did as I was told, taking out the needed materials and closing the math book. I was no longer confident about my ability to take this test and be able to pass it. Even as I thought about it, and tried remembering the sample problems –the answers just wouldn't come to me.

The teacher passed out the test and I looked it all over once.

I suddenly felt nervous about how all of this would turn out. I had no way of knowing, and when I tried to analyze the situation to try weighing my options, my mind filled with a fog and I just couldn't think. As I looked back at the problems, I knew I should know the answer, and that it all looked easy enough.

But as my hand, which was firmly clasped around the pencil, began to work out each problem there, I instantly knew that I had no idea what I was really doing.

Things began to look different on the paper and in that moment it was as if I was trying to read a language that I had minimal understanding of. I couldn't comprehend anything that was written to. And if I stared at it long enough, the numbers seemed to move to different parts of the paper. Why wouldn't they just sit still so I could think?

My heart began to race and I simply didn't know what to think anymore. My hand continued to write, as if working with its own mind. Well… as I thought about it, it must have its own mind, because mine was drawing a blank and I had no idea what to do.

If I hadn't realized something was wrong before, then I certainly did when I noticed Mello get up and hand in his test first. That wasn't right! I was _always_ the first one to finish.

I could feel my heart grip at the feeling that told me maybe this meant I had failed in something. I had not completed this test fast enough, and thus had lost to Mello.

After another moment of writing, I finally finished all that I possibly could. I knew things were wrong on it just by looking and observing the way none of it made any sense. But… it was all that I could do.

I walked up to the teacher and placed the test paper, as well as my unused scratch paper on her desk –my look despondent and ashamed.

Her eyes tried to meet mine. "Well, Near, how do you think you did?" She asked in that quiet, calm voice that she always had. She always asked the same thing to everyone after they finished, and I knew I always answered the same thing to her.

But why couldn't I remember what I always said?

"Fine." I lied, then turning back to my desk before she could say anything back to me.

Once I was back at my desk, I looked down at the faux wood top and wondered about all the things that were going on. It didn't make sense. I'd never been like this before –ever. So… why now?

I knew that the moment I got out of this classroom, the one thing I would need to do was go to the library and do some research.

I decided to look at this like I did everything else. So… I just had a new puzzle. That's all it was. A… a game… But, the only problem with this one was that I wasn't too sure if I wanted to know the answer to it.

A/N: As I wrote more and more chapters of this story I realized how hard it was to show insanity through writing, rather than visually. I haven't quite figured it out yet. And I still have a lot of research to do. I'm going to warn people now: it might get a little bit confusing later on in the story because this _is_ in Near's point of view, and thus we're seeing the inside effects of it. Even in his speech, Near won't say everything he really means. It'll make more sense as the story goes on… Anyway, for now, just let me know what you think! Was this a good beginning?

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: First off, thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I'm glad that all of you are already beginning to like this and hopefully you continue to read, review, and like the work. I'm currently in the midst of heavily researching, and planning this whole story. I have such high hopes for it now! I can only hope that it'll end up that way. So, anyway, here's the second chapter. I hope you like it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 2

The moment that the bell rang, signifying the end of classes for the day, I left the classroom. Normally I would take my time packing my things so that everything was organized and I would be able to know where they were later on.

But today, all I wanted to do was get out of that classroom and down to the library. I hated the feeling of being locked in the classroom with a teacher I felt I didn't know, who was asking questions that I could no longer remember the answer to.

Not only that, but the longer I sat in there, the more I felt like I was being watched. I knew I was being watched. All the students were watching me. They knew something was wrong! I'd mentally pleaded for them to look away, but they didn't listen.

Now that the bell had rung, I didn't feel their eyes on me so much. Even so, I tried not to look suspicious as I moved quickly through the crowds of students who wandered listlessly out of their classes. But time seemed to be precious now, and I needed to get to my destination.

When I finally reached the double doors of the library, I pushed them open and entered into the vacant room. Not many ever spent their time in here so quickly after class had ended. I felt that that would be my advantage. I wouldn't have to risk all the eyes on me again.

But, suddenly, something struck me and I suddenly could not remember ever having been in this room before. Everything looked new to me! From the tables that I remembered, somewhere in my mind, where I'd spent countless hours studying at before, and even the rows of books that supplied the information which interested me.

I knew I'd been here before, blocked memories in the back of my mind told me so…but it still looked new, and for a second I even questioned whether the memories I thought I had of being here before were just some made up fantasy.

I suddenly felt lost where I stood in the doorway. The rows upon rows of books were already swallowing me whole and leaving me wondering which way was up… which was down… and which way was my way out of this mess.

I wanted out of this suffocating room, before the rows of books killed me here –as I thought might happen if they swallowed me anymore. But I knew I had a mission. I had to figure out what was happening to me.

I stepped further into the room –marveling at everything new that was around me. If I had not kept it on my mind, I knew that the sheer surprise of everything new would have made me lose my entire reason for being here.

I felt like I could wander around this place for hours and never see the same thing twice.

I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to make everything appear normal to me again… and trying to not let it affect me in this way. If this lost feeling persisted then I knew I would never be able to focus on the information I wanted to find.

I would simply be too consumed by the wonder and fear of what was going on.

After a moment of forcing myself to breathe evenly –in and out… in and out, in order to gain my composure once more, my eyes slowly slid open to meet the empty library again.

I still felt slightly lost… and I could no longer call up any vivid memories of when exactly I'd been here. But in the very least, things were no longer as bad as they had been a moment ago. I wasn't being swallowed up by all these books anymore.

I stepped further into the room and closed the door once more –hoping desperately that no one else would come in here and disturb my studies. But I knew hoping something like that was pointless, because of course someone would at some point.

As my legs began to carry me down the aisles of books, my head fell into my open hands and I began to think. I didn't know where my legs were taking me… maybe they had a mind of their own as well… just like my hands had had during the math test.

Was that it? Was I somehow losing control over my entire body?

The thought hardly seemed plausible… but at the same time I had just felt lost in a room I _know_ I've been in before… so I wouldn't be surprised if that _was_ the case.

However, that was not my issue at hand.

The issue now was to find the solution to this problem… which meant finding a book in this giant room of books. As I continued on, I was beginning to think that I would not find what I was looking for. There was just too much to be able to weave through it all, it seemed.

I crossed into a different aisle of books, surveying the titled spines of the books as I walked onwards. All the books were on health. After a moment, I stopped and took one from the shelf. Just from what was on the cover I knew what it was about, and for some reason I felt compelled to read through this.

Mental illnesses.

I figured this might be the best place to look first, if only to rule some more extreme options out. But as I went back to the table with the book and sat down, opening the cover to the front page, I realized that I was in the same situation as before.

I was still lost, and I still didn't know what I was looking for specifically. I was going into this search blind… and what was worse, I had no way of lighting my path, if even in a little bit.

I began flipping through the pages –dismissing certain illnesses that I knew it couldn't be right off the bat, and read a bit on others before dismissing them as well.

But suddenly my eyes caught sight of something that held my interest.

Short term memory loss.

Before I even began reading it, I knew it sounded right. After all, I hadn't been able to comprehend the new math problems I had been attempting to learn –and also, I hadn't been able to remember this place.

But in the back of my mind I knew that that didn't make much sense, at the same time. After all, it didn't explain why, as I had done the math test, why the numbers had been jumping around on the page, or why I had felt like everyone was staring at me when their eyes were just pointed on the teacher.

I set my eyes down to the page and began reading the information.

_Some causes for short term memory loss include Alzheimer's disease, depression and anxiety, low blood sugar, alcohol and drug abuse._

But as I thought about it… none of those really fit me. Even low blood sugar didn't seem to fit, despite how small amounts of food I ate every day.

I sighed, flipped the page and continued reading on the next illness, glad that what had happened with the test had not shown up again here and left me unable to comprehend all of the words on the page. I wasn't even sure what I would do if I lost the ability to research this for myself.

I knew there was no way I could tell anyone about this right now. I couldn't place a finger on what exactly would happen –what people would do- but I knew it couldn't be good.

But then I had to wonder… why did I not want to get help for this? If it was anything serious… then shouldn't I want to have this reversed? Or at least figured out?

Or was I slipping too far into my nature and wanting to figure this whole thing out on my own. After all, it was my puzzle… of course I should be the one to find the answer. But I was no longer sure if that was the safest option.

My head fell into my hands once again as I thought to myself, _'What am I going to do?'_

A/N: I know that a lot didn't happen in this chapter. That wasn't the point of it. The point of this chapter was to introduce to you the way Near is beginning to think. He is thinking things over more than once because he doesn't remember doing it before, he's feeling people watching him when no one's looking at him, he's having hallucinations of text moving, and being swallowed up by a huge room. The point was to get you used to not seeing this literally. If there're repeated thought processes, it's not because I forgot I did it before, but because that's what Near's thinking. So, hopefully all of these points got across to you. Let me know what you'll think and I'll update again soon!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm so happy to see that people are really liking this so far! I was really worried about how people would take to this being such a _different_ story. But, so far all of you are enjoying it! But, I might be getting too ahead of myself because, after all, this _is_ only the third chapter. Well, we'll see. This chapter has more things going on than the last chapter did. So, I hope you all like it! And please let me know what you think, or what I should include in this. Even if it's something minor. I love hearing your thoughts and reactions.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are used in this story.

Chapter 3

I wasn't sure how long I sat at that table with the same book opened in front of me. I scanned every page that I turned to and tried to remember anything that I thought could be useful to know for later.

It felt like I was panicking –like I only had a certain amount of time to read everything I could before another episode came on where I could no longer comprehend the text in front of me.

Just the thought of not being able to comprehend, and being disabled in that way scared me more than I'd ever felt before.

It didn't matter what I looked at in this book –nothing seemed to make any sense. And I think that that only furthered my fear of what was going on and what _could_ possibly be happening to me.

Though, for all I knew I could just be looking in the wrong place, or in the wrong book.

But it didn't matter right now. I just needed something. I needed to find something out, and I needed to try and get a better understanding of what was suddenly happening to me. Something told me this wasn't just some kind of teenage thing that just 'happened' for a while and then diminished. I needed this research like I needed the air in my lungs.

But at the same time this book wasn't helping me, I didn't feel like I was getting anything useful out of this.

However, on the other hand for some reason I just couldn't force myself to get up and look for any other book. My mind told me to look somewhere else, that the answer wasn't here, but my body said to keep memorizing… that there was something I wasn't seeing.

But what could that be? What was I missing?!

My heart raced at the thought of not being able to figure this one out. I knew I could… if I looked a little harder and didn't panic so much. But my body wasn't listening to me. It continued to do as it wanted and I was left to do nothing but take in whatever I could.

All of a sudden I heard the doors to the library open and I instantly knew someone had come in. During the entire time that I'd been in here, which was… well… I couldn't remember that far. In any case, I had been the only one who had come in here. Well… that I could remember, anyway.

But I didn't care so much. I was on a mission, and I couldn't be bothered at this time. After all, wouldn't whoever it was be able to tell how incredibly focused I was?

"Near." Came the familiar voice of a certain blonde.

'_No, I guess he can't see…_' I thought to myself, answering my own question.

I forced myself to stop my actions and my persisting need to continue memorizing in order to look up –finding Mello leaning on the table directly across from me.

He held an air of superiority around him today, with a devilish glint hidden in his cerulean blue eyes, and a matching smirk to go with it and further my point. There was a chocolate bar held in his left hand as well, but he did nothing to take a bite off of it yet.

I said nothing to him, and instead waited for him to get on with whatever it was that could be _so_ important as to disturb me. Normally I wouldn't mind, but I felt as though I was panicking, and rushing to find an answer. Mello speaking to me now was only hindering me from either finding it, or losing everything I'd previously memorized.

"Did you hear?" He asked vaguely; his expression didn't change in the slightest to give me any idea what he was talking about.

"Hear what?" I asked.

"The math tests have been graded now, and the scores were just posted." I noticed the way he fidgeted a bit in his spot. It was like he was anxious to just spit it out, but he was purposefully dragging this out.

I looked down to my book once again, but suddenly I couldn't figure out where I had been… and I couldn't remember anything that I had previously been reading. And, to make matters worse my eyes could not focus on just one spot of the text –they continued to jump around to random spots and never once read a whole line. Or even a single word.

My focus had been broken by that stupid blonde boy! I wanted to shout at him, or do _something_ but I couldn't find the ability to speak.

Mello leaned down on the table, getting closer to me, but I was too busy trying to correct myself to pay attention to what he was doing.

But his next words made me completely freeze, and I could hardly breathe.

"I beat you in that test, Near." He said, so painfully slow and quiet that it seemed he was trying to engrave them into my mind. The words continued to reverberate around in my head and I could not free myself from it.

'_Beat me?'_ I thought to myself. What had Mello said he'd beaten me at? What he was saying suddenly made no sense to me. Wait… why was he even in here to begin with again?

"I told you I would do it, Near. Looks like you finally failed for once." He said in the same way; and never backing up once from where he'd leaned closer to me –I could feel his eyes trying to pierce through me.

My own dark orbs moved up to him –but I never faltered as I spoke, "What did you beat me at, Mello?" I asked, in my normal monotone voice.

I watched Mello's eyes grow confused and he pulled back away from me, "What are you talking about? I just told you, I beat you on the math test we just. I got a ninety-two and you got like an eighty, or something."

I was frozen in my place as he spoke to me. I'd… failed? I'd failed that test? How? What did I…? My fingers came up to my hair so I could try to think and remember this. I could barely even remember that we had had a test today. Where was I when that'd happened?

It was Mello's voice that broke me from my thoughts again. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked. "I know you said you didn't study, but you never study and _always_ beat me. Damn, Near, you messed this one up." He stated.

I could only look down at the table, feeling the way my hands twitched where they were –one laying by the book on the table, and the other trying and failing in twirling my hair. Mello's words continued to echo around in my head like they were it's own being.

'_I beat you… I beat you… you're a failure!'_ I tried not to let the words get to me, but there was only so much I could take –and I was no longer sure where my limit was. This was all just too much for me to take. Where was the reality?! Where was my life?!

"Near!" Mello said, trying to get my attention.

My eyes shot up to him and I watched as he brought the chocolate bar up to his lips and took a piece from it. My own hand moved, but I wasn't sure where, as my eyes were trained on him and what he was doing and my body seemed to be running on its own again.

"Why are you copying me?" He asked, stepping back once after snapping off a piece of chocolate. I looked down at myself to find my hand close to my mouth and watched just as it ticked –as though mimicking the movement of snapping the chocolate bar.

What was going on with me? My body was acting on it's own… mimicking the actions that I couldn't comprehend.

He watched me, now with eyes that were simply filled with wonder and confusion. "What…" He couldn't even finish the sentence, and there was a part of me that didn't blame him.

"What…" I found myself repeating, though a lot quieter than he had. For some reason I didn't understand what he was asking… or what it was he wanted to know. How was I supposed to answer any question if he just said such simple words to me?

All of a sudden the door to the library opened once more and my eyes flicked over to it in order to see who was breaking in on our little scene.

It was that woman… the woman who taught me. What was her name? I couldn't recall…

She walked up, her brown hair bouncing with each step she took. Her eyes then moved to Mello –who was still watching me. "Mello, would you mind giving me a few minutes alone with Near?" She requested in that polite voice I knew I'd heard before… somewhere.

The blonde boy paused and looked up to her. Anything he had been thinking previously had suddenly been hidden behind a wall of stoicism that rivaled my own. He nodded and began from the room –but I caught him taking one look back, as if trying to figure something more out just by looking.

If he knew anything more than I did… I wish he would just tell me.

The woman took the spot across the table from me, where Mello had previously been, but this time she sat down in the seat and set down three papers that she had been carrying with her in her arms.

"Near," She said in a quiet, yet kind voice. "I finished grading the math test from this morning, and I posted the scores. But… when I did yours… I was very surprised by the score." She stated, a confused look crossing her pale features.

I tried not to let my own look change to one to match hers. "What did I get?" I asked. Hadn't Mello said something about my score before? I couldn't recall.

With a sigh, she laid the familiar paper down on the table for me to look over. My eyes instantly went to the two numbers at the top of the page.

It was an eight and a two standing side by side.

The only problem was that I couldn't think of what that meant. Was it a bad thing? The eight was a relatively high number… but that two. What did it mean?

I could hear my mind screaming at me to remember everything I'd once known. It was telling me that I was asking stupid questions and that I should know the answers to my own questions. But… I just couldn't think of it.

"I… see." I finally said, not wanting to give away the fact that I had no idea what those two numbers meant.

She folded her hands down on the table and sighed, "Near, is something going on? I know you can't be _too_ distracted… I've seen you more stressed than you appear to be right now and you still topped the class in your scores." She explained to me.

I held my silence. What could I possibly say to her when I had no idea what any of it meant? Was she trying to tell me that I had not performed at my best?

"This is what I mean." She laid the other two papers on the table, and for a minute I recognized them as tests I had taken in the past. I remembered making the little scratch marks on each paper. I read the numbers at the top, just as I had on the first one.

One was a nine and a seven together, and the other was a nine and another nine together.

I pointed to the papers, "These two are… larger than the one before." I stated, hoping I was hitting on the point she was trying to get across to me.

Her confused expression deepened –almost to the degree Mello's had been at when he had been in the room with me. "Yes, they are." She answered slowly.

She watched me for a long minute, and I was unsure about what she was looking for. Then suddenly she asked me. "Near, do you know what this means?" She took the newest tests into her hands to demonstrate that's the one she was talking about.

I looked it over a couple more times, trying to understand what it was she was hitting on now. I saw my handwriting on the paper, and where the red marks she put wove its way into my writings. But, I just… couldn't grasp the entirety of what she was saying.

Finally, I slowly shook my head.

She sighed heavily, but the confused look continued to stay on her face. What did my answer mean was going to happen now? I couldn't even begin to predict all the possible outcomes.

"Near… three other students scored higher than you on this test." She stated, quietly and calmly, as if to lay it on me slowly.

But the moment she said it, thoughts began to scream in my mind. Memories suddenly began to fill me. Memories of someone who looked like me studying hard late at night and holding the same air of superiority Mello had had before whenever the results of the tests came back.

A wave suddenly crashed through my head till it fell into my hands and I could feel myself breathing heavily. Whether this was to calm myself, or cease the screaming, I wasn't sure.

'_You're a failure! I've beaten you! You've been beaten and you'll never regain yourself!'_ All of these new entities screamed at me at one time till I thought my ears would start bleeding.

My hands reached to cover my ears, "No…" I tried to say to stop them. That woman was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her over the excessive screaming in my head.

I couldn't deal with this… I couldn't stand hearing it all! I'd failed? How? What...? How had I let this happen?

"No!" I said again as the voices continued. I gripped tightly to my ears, trying to make it all go away now. Where were all these voices coming from? It couldn't all be me! They didn't sound like me! Had I somehow let voices into my head at some point?

"Near!" The woman's voice cut through for half a second before the screams of my failure started up once again. It was unbearable. My body shook from the pure shock and fear of unawareness of what was going on, or how to make it all go away.

"Make it stop!" I heard myself scream.

A/N: I know I'm going to at least get _one_ review from this who's like, "What just happened?" But I don't feel it too important to explain it all here. I think I did an alright job showing a bit of what the _reality_ of the situation was, as opposed to what Near was feeling and thinking. Anyway, he's starting to break down now under all of this, and honestly, I don't blame him. Let me know what you all think and I'll update the next chapter soon!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hello everyone! Sorry for the slight wait for this chapter. I've been busy with the last two one-shots that I published. Also, I've been trying to decide what I'm going to be doing with this story. I only have one chapter pre-written after this one, and it's not completely finished. This is where the hard part comes in. Anyway, happy reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters that are in this story.

Chapter 4

I wasn't sure where I was, or how I'd somehow managed to get in the position that I was currently in. Well… to be clearer, or, to explain in the clearest way I can, I was nowhere.

Blackness surrounded me and all I could do was float weightlessly about the area, confused of whether I was in a state of unconsciousness, or if I was dreaming. Or… maybe somehow this had become reality. Maybe this was all reality was…

The thought didn't make any sense, though. But after what had happened, whenever that was, I was no longer quick to dismiss anything without thorough analyzing first. And even then I knew I would have to second guess everything. Nothing was making sense.

I suddenly began to wonder about what had happened there, in the library with that nice woman.

I remembered her telling me that I had failed, and while the words still haunted my mind, I somehow found the ability not to rest on it for too long so I could move on and look somewhere else. I was thankful that, in this reality, the voices hadn't followed me.

Speaking of those voices… I remembered hearing the screaming in my head… and how incredibly difficult it had been to try and concentrate on anything she could have been telling me. The screams were deafening. Though, this I thought I understood. I had never failed before… or if I had, it had been so long ago that I could not recall it anymore.

It troubled me to think about what could possibly be doing this to me, and leaving me to suffer with these effects. I could only hope to any God out there, if there was one anyway, that this could be reversed… or that it was just temporary.

While I was here, in this dream-like state, I figured it would be best for me to look over everything that'd been happening over the course of this day in order to try and, possibly, understand better.

In this place, in this new reality, I could think better. I could remember everything that'd happened. Well… more or less, anyway. It was more like I could revisit the memories from a third person view of it. Like I was watching my own actions from above.

That didn't matter to me so much, so long as I could remember now, then that was all that mattered to me.

I remembered that my memory was failing me periodically… there were moments when I remembered what was happening, and moments where it was like everything was erased and I could then no longer follow along with everyone else.

My ability to comprehend things had also been failing. In that moment before… whatever had happened to me, happened, I had hardly been able to understand what the numbers written on the tests shown to me meant.

Not only that, but when I heard people speak… I had to repeat it back again just so I could hear my own voice say it. And even then I could not get a grasp over what exactly they were trying to say. Or what it all meant.

Then there was the one incident of copying what Mello had done while he had been there –mimicking the action of biting off a piece of chocolate. That confused me… I had hardly been aware that I was doing it until right at the end when he said something. I had to wonder what it meant.

Finally, what shocked me the most was the memories and the voices together that had been screaming at me, and keeping me from focusing on what was going on. It sounded so loud… so close to me, like it was right at my ear… how had that woman not been able to hear them as well?

Nothing was making sense. That's the only conclusion I could safely rest on.

Suddenly, I heard something.

"Near…" The voice wasn't familiar to me, and it was terribly faint as it echoed in my head. Maybe if I just ignored it, it would go away. After all, I didn't want to risk it just being another memory that somehow had found its way into my semi-conscious mind.

"Near." Came the voice again, and this time it was closer to me… as if trying to bring me out of whatever reality this happened to be and into a completely different one.

I felt my body being transported back into what I figured must've been everyone else's world in the form of tics. First, my hand, then my leg, then finally my eyes scrunched together. How had I not been aware of my body before now?

Maybe I'd had an out of body experience.

My eyes finally opened and I was greeted by the sight of piercingly bright lights that made me wince away from them. I then noticed that I was lying down now, and was in a completely different room than the one I'd been in before. The… the room that was full of books.

When I let my eyes survey the room, I found it to be almost pure white. But it wasn't my room. It then clicked in my mind that I was in the infirmary. And the male that was standing over me was the doctor that worked here. I couldn't remember his name either.

"Welcome back, Near." He said to me, standing straight so he wasn't bent over me as he had been.

My eyes listlessly traveled to him, but I hardly moved other than that. My body felt as though it was paralyzed in place.

"How are you feeling?" He asked me, pulling out my chart that had been tucked under his arm and opened it –I supposed to log down anything I said.

But I found that it was hard for me to find my words in order to answer. Everything was forced together in my head and no word I could find seemed to make any sense.

He finally sighed, as if he understood and decided to move on. "Can you say anything at all, Near?" He asked me instead, pulling up a nearby chair and sitting down.

I watched him for another moment as I went through my mental bank of words once more. Finally I forced out a simple, "Yes." But my voice came out quiet, and even I could hardly recognize it.

What was going on? Where had all my words suddenly disappeared to? What used to come to me so easily, without a single thought now took all of my concentration. And even then it was difficult.

He nodded. "Alright. Then… could you tell me what happened yesterday in the library?" He requested, after writing something down in my file and looking back up to me –his dark eyes asking the same question his lips had just worded.

"Yesterday in the room." I tried to repeat, my words getting jumbled in the end and not coming out as I had previously wanted to. I wanted to say 'library' so why was that not what came out?

"Yes." He said, his eyes now seeming to glitter with interest. "What happened in the library?"

I looked away from him –to the window that sat a few feet from the bed. What did I say to him? I really didn't understand what had happened. So how did I answer him? Not only that, but what did it mean if I couldn't answer him?

"The library…" I repeated quietly. "I heard screaming." I finally answered, finding that the moment I spoke a word, the next seemed to follow correctly this time.

He jotted this down in my file before continuing. "Who was screaming? Was it you?" He inquired, and in that moment I wondered if he was a doctor or a therapist. It certainly didn't seem like I needed the latter.

"Do you know… what is wrong with me?" I asked, wondering if, during the time that I had been out, if he had done more research than I had and found an answer to my mystery. If he had… I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.

I knew I _had_ to know what it was… but… what would the result of it be?

"I'm trying to figure that out." He said as his eyes continued to watch me. I tried not to look directly at him now. There was something about those interested dark eyes that I didn't like meeting.

It was like his eyes were on fire, and the longer he looked at me the more it seemed that they would begin to burn me. I shifted uncomfortably in my spot. Why wouldn't he look away from me? Wasn't he supposed to be trying to help me, not hurting me?

I could feel the intense burn on my skin the longer he stared at me. It hurt! Why didn't he see that?

"No." I finally said, my eyes looking down to the white sheets that covered the lower half of my body to try and rid myself of this fire.

"No?" He asked.

'_This is my puzzle.'_ I said to myself, so I would know what to say… or what I wanted to say. "No… this is my game." I stopped suddenly. Where had that come from?

Somehow, though, the man seemed to understand. "You want to figure it out for yourself." He stated. "Yes, I was told you might want to try something like that." Who told him that? Had I said something before?

My fingers fidgeted a bit and messed with the end of the blanket as though it was a nervous habit. I couldn't quite remember what my other habit had been before. "Yes." I repeated from him with that quiet tone in my voice once more.

The doctor went quiet for a long moment where I wondered if he had heard me. I contemplated speaking again so he would hear me. But before I could, he spoke.

"Alright." He said with a sigh. "How about we make a deal?"

My eyes drifted over to him, and this time it was mine that were full of wonder. "Alright." I said.

"I'll let you go today whenever you're ready you may leave. You can continue researching and trying to figure out what is wrong with you." He began to explain. "If you find anything, you must come back here and tell me. Also, if anything else happens like in the library, you must do the same thing. I'm sure you understand, but it would be best if this was kept… quiet, for right now."

I watched him, considering over this in my mind for a long minute –a minute longer than I knew I would have had to if I were thinking properly. With that thought, I knew I had my answer to him.

I nodded. "Alright."

A/N: Yeah… I know… this chapter seems so pointless, and maybe it is. But I can't exactly have him figuring things out right now. All in due time, my little ones! Lol! Anyway, this was a hard chapter, at the end, because I originally decided to add something onto the end of it. But after I went back and edited it, I realized I had no idea what more to put. What more _could_ be put. So… for this story's sake, I'm going to leave it as is. Next chapter is more interesting. But, nonetheless, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
-_Forbiddensoul562_


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I'm putting this chapter out so soon because I realize that my last chapter was complete crap. I probably should have scrapped that whole thing and re-wrote it or something. Oh well… nothing I can do about that now. Anyway, this should be a better chapter, I guess, even though I'm getting to the point where I really don't know what I'm going to do. Pray I get an epiphany. Otherwise, happy reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 5

Everything within the building was silent now, and dark. Night had befallen Wammy's at some point, but for some reason I figured my mind was making it seem even darker than it might actually be in reality.

The silence was what really struck me, though. I was in my room, but I couldn't hear anything out in the hall, or even in any of the rooms on either side of mine. It was as if I was the only one left within the building. Or maybe the only one left in this world.

I tried to convince myself that, in all actuality, I was probably just the only one awake right now.

Time had slipped away from me and I could no longer even begin to try and figure out what hour it was, or even how long I'd been here. I felt frozen in spot, and in a world that neither moved forward or back in time.

I was simply stuck.

I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't lie still either. All the visions that my mind was creating prevented that. Instead, I leaned against the far wall of my room and looked to my window, where the images of my mind were being played –like the screen in a theater.

There was the sound of rain on the window that reached my ears and seemed to relax me with its simple presence. I couldn't tell if the rain was even really there, or not, considering I couldn't see the drops hitting the glass. It didn't matter though, since the effect was still there. But then, as though to make sure I couldn't completely fall into a state a peace, there was bright flashes of lights outside and deep rumbles of thunder.

The sound of it echoed around in my head, which only furthered the thought that this was some hallucination and not happening in reality. After all, why would reality create such a frightening thing upon the Earth?

It didn't make sense.

Thus, I was forced to stay exactly where I was and try anything in my power to make it stop. I didn't like this… I hated the sounds it created in my head and the blinding light that it produced beforehand.

The rain was drowned out by the sounds and the light, but I tried desperately to focus on only its comforting sounds. I wanted it to stop… the rain could stay but the loud crashes outside did nothing but make me shake in fear.

What if it came into my room? What if I was forced to be around such a terrible thing?

A sudden thought hit me. Maybe I was dreaming… maybe this was my own world that my mind had masochistically created and I just couldn't find the way out of it. That, in itself, made more sense than thinking that this was actually happening.

I drew myself up into a ball and used my hands to cover my ears in a desperate attempt to block it all out. I could feel the way my hands were shaking –probably from the fear of this world I'd somehow created.

But no matter how hard I pushed against my head to try and silence it all the sounds continued to filter into my ears. How did I make this go away?

"Stop." I pleaded with my eyes squeezing closed.

However, the sounds didn't stop, but instead only seemed to intensify in my head. I was shaking as I began to think that maybe this world would never cease and I would be stuck here with this fear forever.

Wasn't there anyone back in the reality that could see my suffering from this? Or… was I no longer there at all?

The thought scared me more than the sounds and lights from outside were. Back in reality, I enjoyed being alone from others… but now I wasn't sure if I felt the same. Not if _this_ was dark, terrifying reality that I would be faced with instead.

Slowly I let my body lay down on the cold wood floor of my room, but my hands continued to cover my ears and my eyes stayed closed. "Stop." I begged again, mentally pleading with anyone that could be on the other side to find me and bring me back.

"Stop… stop… leave me alone…" I whispered to anything that could hear me. "Just go away…"

-

I wasn't sure when it was that someone had brought me back from that world, or whatever it had been. I know I had laid there for a while longer –repeatedly begging for whatever was causing it to happen to stop and go away.

But then, as if instantaneously, everything was gone and it was morning once more. I was still laying where I had been in that world, but I didn't care so much because I was back in the world that I knew was reality.

I sat up and rubbed my forehead, trying to catch my breath which was ragged now and still laced with the feeling of fear. In the back of my mind I hoped that that had been a one-time thing and that it would not happen again.

I would have to watch the things I did from now on –so I didn't do something to trip something and end up back in that world.

It was this thought and hope that made me able to get up from my spot in order to begin the day. I had class this morning, and I could only hope that whatever had been plaguing my mind for the past few days would not follow me there again.

I needed to succeed… I needed to be the best, and perfect… There was absolutely no room for failure –as this was seeming to make me.

-

Once in the classroom, I looked around at everything –trying desperately to bring up some memory with everything there. If I could familiarize myself with it, then maybe I would not forget and maybe whatever was happening to me would stop for the time being.

The other students entered into the classroom, and as they did I tried to name any that I could. For the majority, I was able to do just that. But there were about eight or nine that I couldn't find any names for.

Then, finally, the teacher walked into the room with a smile on her face. I watched her, still not able to figure out what her name was.

"Good morning, students," She said brightly, "Hopefully all of you did your reading that was assigned. There's an assignment for today based off of the reading that you must complete by the end of class."

I couldn't help my confused look. There was reading? What were we reading? … Also, how was I supposed to be expected to read something that I couldn't remember when I couldn't even read the books in the library?

The teacher passed out the paper, placing each page upside down on the desks as she went down the row.

She set the paper down on my desk and my eyes followed it, but I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do now. Would I even be able to read the questions that were on the page?

Hesitantly and quite reluctantly, I turned the page over and took in what was written upon it.

Letters. Many different letters were jumbled together around the page. My eyes darted around and tried to make sense of all of it, but nothing came to mind. To me, they were just shapes that were tied to some sounds I couldn't remember.

I didn't like the sight of them so I simply turned the paper back over and looked elsewhere.

Everyone was already starting, jotting answers down onto the paper. On the other side of the room I could see Mello furiously scratching away at the paper –in his own personal race, as usual. Next to him, Matt was playing one of his games under the table. Something in the back of my head told me that he'd probably do it in the last five minutes of class.

I looked back to my paper, and stared at it's blank surface for a long while –trying to figure out what I should do since I obviously couldn't do the assignment.

I'd just started to wonder if the teacher would permit me to go to the library to further investigate these happenings with me when suddenly the teacher appeared by my desk –her hand taking the paper for which my focus had been on and turning it over.

My eyes darted up to her confused face –watching as hers formed a confused one as well. After a moment her eyes met mine and she sighed. "Is there something wrong, Near?" She asked quietly –as if to keep the other students from hearing.

But I could feel my body heating up to an almost painful degree as they all started staring at us. Why couldn't they all just look somewhere else? "Something wrong?" I found myself repeating after her.

She sighed again, "You've been… acting very strange these past few days, Near. Is there something you'd like to talk about?"

I shook my head instantly.

'_Lies.'_ I heard from an unidentifiable voice in my head, and at once I felt my face heat up –praying to anything out there that she hadn't heard that.

But it was not to be as she sighed, "Then would you mind telling me why you haven't started on your class work at all?" She asked. "It's been half the class and still you haven't even started. This isn't like you at all."

It was at this moment that I began to feel the stares of everyone in the room on me again. Like the doctor from the previous day, their relentless staring was beginning to feel like fire on my flesh. I wanted them to stop. To leave me alone.

"I…" I struggled to find something to say back to her –but the stares were already beginning to become overwhelming for me. I pulled at the ends of my shirt as I tried desperately to relieve myself of the fire.

"Stop…" I heard myself whimper in response to it.

The teacher knelt down to the desk, trying to meet my diverted eyes. I heard her say something to me, maybe my name, but I was too far lost in the fire to really be able to respond to her.

"Stop!" I said, louder, desperate for the people that were staring to just look somewhere else. Why did I deserve this pain right now? All I was trying to do was make it through these classes, despite how lost I felt.

"Stop!" I suddenly screamed, and the next thing I knew I was standing in the front of the room –my breath coming out heavy in pants. Now everyone's eyes were on me again, and again I could feel the fire on my skin.

'_What's going on?'_ I suddenly heard, which made my eyes flick around the room. _'Near?'_ Who was talking? I couldn't see any lips moving, and if they were, I couldn't hear their words. But I was still hearing voices in my head. _'What's going on? Did he finally snap?'_

Was I suddenly hearing their thoughts?

My body began to shake as I realized what exactly I had done. I was showing all of my weaknesses to everyone.

My eyes suddenly flicked over to Mello, across the room, where my eyes locked with his cerulean orbs. I saw all of the questions coming from them, silently asking what was going on. But I had no answer, and I hated showing this right now.

I was supposed to be perfect over all of them. And now in my one moment of weakness I display it for everyone?

I had a sudden thought. Maybe… maybe Roger would take me from my top position because of this. Maybe I would just continue to fall because of this! My mind even went so far as to begin playing visions of some shadowed figure hitting me –punishing me for this.

I didn't want that to happen!

"No!" I heard myself shout, and before I knew it, I had fled from the classroom and was running down the empty halls. But where was I going? Where could I really escape to now? I had no idea, but my feet continued to carry me anyway.

I went up the stairs, and down the hallway –knowing that my room rest at the end of it. However, it seemed that no matter how far I went, the end of the hall just continued to get farther and farther away from me.

I couldn't take this anymore. I just needed to get out of the hall and find a place to hide before they found me and punished me for running in the first place. Turning to the left, I ripped open the first door I found and went in, closing it behind me.

It was a storage closet.

I moved past some of the stacked up boxes through the darkness until I found the back and sat down on the floor –curling into a ball as best I could and letting my head fall into my open hands.

"Please…" I begged to the darkness, feeling my body rocking back and forth unconsciously. "Please… I want to go away from here." I would even take that stormy, nighttime world over this one.

"Please… just make it stop… make it go away!"

A/N: So, that definitely turned out better than I thought it was going to! First off, thanks to Insanitoon for helping me figure out what I should do for this chapter, and what to do for the next chapters to come as well. You're such a great muse! Hm… what more to say. Well… the next chapter should be interesting. And, well, I hope you liked this! Please let me know what you're thinking, no matter how minor.

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Finally I'm back! With the next chapter of Erosion! Sorry for the slight wait in this, I've been working a lot with my photography, and doing stuff for school. If you're interested in seeing some of my photography, go to my profile and check my DeviantART link. Some comments would be nice. But that's not the point. The point is this chapter! I already had a lot of this already written up, so it was kind of easier, but the beginning and the end I had to write for myself. I'm not too sure if I'm all too happy with it. So... you'll have to read and review and let me know if you liked it, or if it was good or not! Please do! And, as always, happy reading!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 6

I don't know how long it was that I sat in that closet –in complete darkness, cut off from the rest of the world, and not knowing if anyone was even looking for me.

There was a gripping feeling in my chest now –obvious nervousness. I didn't want to be found. Ever. I just wanted to stay here –surrounded by the many boxes, and eventually, maybe escape this place to a reality better suited for me.

However, as I thought about it more… I could only hope that maybe all of that really hadn't happened. For once, I prayed to any deity out there that everything hadn't occurred the way I remembered it.

After all, how could I ever face anyone again after something like that?

Something was obviously happening to me… something none too good, of course. I'd tried hard not to show it to anyone over the last few days. But… after something like that, it would be impossible to keep it anymore.

Suddenly I heard the sound of people talking in the halls. I knew their voices, but I couldn't put faces to them, nor could I bring up any names. They were talking about me… wondering where I was, what I could be doing.

My heart began to race as I heard them opening doors all along the hall. They were getting closer, and closer, and closer every second.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall into my hands, hoping that by some miracle I could be hidden by the boxes around me, or just become invisible to their searching eyes.

But it was not to be, as suddenly the door was pulled open and the closet I was hiding in was flooded with light. I couldn't help but look up to see the male doctor I remembered talking to the previous day standing there.

"Near…" His voice was quiet, as if trying to calm me. But I couldn't be calmed anymore. I couldn't stand any of this anymore. I just wanted it to be over.

He moved over to me and knelt down –from outside the closet I could hear more people talking, but I couldn't make out what they were saying, still. They all sounded so quiet and distorted to me. "Can you stand?" He asked, his dark eyes looking over me entirely, and trying to be cautious.

I looked down without a word, trying to bring my body to stand, but I couldn't do it. It was as if my mind was now entirely disconnected from the rest of my body. I shook my head as I looked back at him.

The doctor nodded, and suddenly moved closer to me –picking me up carefully and standing as he did so. I whimpered a bit, feeling so helpless, yet not able to do anything about it.

He carried me from the room, and I could see the people around me –my teacher, Roger, and a couple other people. I closed my eyes, wanting to be separated from them by any barrier possible.

"Where…?" I wondered, unable to find the words for the rest of my sentence.

"Somewhere safe for you." He told me as he walked, and somehow those words already made me feel better.

-

I was taken to the Infirmary again. Usually the room always had a couple of nurses around, as well as the doctor and whatever patients were there. But as he set me down on the bed and I got the chance to look around, I realized that there was no one else here.

I was about to ask where everyone was, but he brought a chair over, sat in front of me, and began to speak. "Near… I understand you want to try and figure this out and deal with this on your own." He paused a minute, and now all I could do was watch him. "But… I think right now I would be better for you to let me tell you what I'm thinking about what is going on with you, and then let us help you."

I could understand where he was coming from. I couldn't even read a book anymore, let alone be in a classroom without feeling paranoid. I needed this bit of guidance, in order to get past this and back on the track I had been on before.

So finally, I nodded for him to continue.

He exhaled a heavy breath. "Near… what I believe you have, is a mental disorder called Schizophrenia. Now… while this cannot be cured, there are things we can do to lessen the effects of it."

My heart clenched at the doctor's words when he finally said my diagnosis. It was earth shattering, to say the least. I could've sworn that, in the few seconds it had taken him to say exactly what it was that was going on with me, the entire floor beneath me caved in.

I was numb in my place and was left with little more to do than just sit on the side of the bed and let my stare slowly fall to the floor. Meanwhile the doctor watched me like an expecting audience that was waiting for some kind of show.

But I had nothing to give them. I was lost in this sea of confusion and unknowing, and with every moment that passed by it felt as though another wave crashed over me in an attempt to submerge me, and leave me to drown.

But I had no intention of letting that happen. While they were expecting some show –perhaps some outburst of denial, or an emotional fit, I was composing myself and creating more walls around myself than I'd ever needed before.

Never, before this point, had I felt as though I needed to protect myself away from the outside world than I did now.

Never, before this point, had I felt as though I needed to protect myself away from the outside world than I did now.

Perhaps it was because I was scared to show my true emotions on the subject… or maybe it was just because I didn't know _what_ I was truly feeling now.

Numbness had taken over my body, and I could hardly move it, despite what I wanted.

"Near?" The doctor finally asked; probably trying to prompt me into saying something and thus beginning to spew everything I was thinking. Perhaps then he would try to console me and tell me it was alright, that he understood.

But I knew he didn't… that he never would. He would be foolish to try and say such a thing. He would never be able to say such things honestly unless he went through the same thing.

In that moment I felt that I no longer wanted to be around him. I wanted to be by myself in order to try and sort this out and maybe come to terms with it somehow.

Then again, how could I come to terms with such a thing when I didn't even know if I would remember what'd happened a few moments from now?

Finally coming to the conclusion of what I felt I needed to do I slid off the bed, my legs feeling like jello under me. I began walking towards the exit of the infirmary; the whole time my eyes stayed pointed to the floor. I was in shock.

Thankfully the doctor allowed me to go without another word –I'm sure he probably understood that I really needed to be by myself to think this through. The reality of my situation had yet to hit me yet; I knew that much.

I felt dead as I walked through the halls. It was as though I was walking, and maybe even possibly living, but I wasn't actually there at all. My mind was off in its own world; swimming in that tumultuous sea of confusion.

I continued on… but had no destination in mind.

This building was like a prison and offered to me no relief from the reality that had just gripped me so hard. I wanted to escape it but I couldn't seem to be able to focus on the task long enough to be able to come up with some kind of plan.

It was another symptom of my disease, I figured… at least I had something to blame it all on now.

I finally stopped in my place, and looked around to find out where I was.

The library. When had I gotten in here, though?

Surprisingly, I wasn't too upset about where my feet had taken me this time. It opened up the possibility to me that perhaps I could read up on Schizophrenia and try to understand the things I should expect from it.

I instantly took notice to all the different children that were in here studying. My eyes looked down again, as though I was suddenly ashamed from even being in here. I couldn't help but wonder what they were thinking of me. I went down the aisle that I knew that mental health book had been at.

Grabbing the book off the shelf I didn't even bother finding a table to read at. I simply sat on the floor in the aisle and opened it up. I scanned the page I opened it to, but something was wrong here.

I couldn't read anything on the page again. I recognized each letter as English, but I couldn't make sense of any of them. They just looked like little drawings on the page that I couldn't find any sounds to put with them.

How could this be… how could I not remember something as simple as how to read?

As I sat there looking at the page I began to wonder how it was that I would ever be able to find anything out about this disease if I couldn't even do research.

My head hung and I felt my body beginning to shake from the realization of it all.

I was trapped in this… trapped and I couldn't find any way out. This disease was destroying me, I couldn't even read, or communicate with people as well. My mind was my prison.

"Near?" Came a sudden voice from the side.

I tried to compose myself, but it was hard to do so when I had all of these thoughts passing through my mind. However, I looked over to try and distinguish who exactly had called my name.

It was a girl in a pink sweater with brown hair done up in pigtails and a worried look in her dark eyes. I couldn't remember her name entirely, but I thought it might have started with an L.

She came over to me and put down a sketch book that'd been tucked under her arm and then looked me over. "Near why are you sitting here?" She asked with obvious concern in her voice.

I looked down to the text and tried to think of what exactly I could tell her. I wanted to tell her that I didn't know what anything in this book said; and that I was struggling with this… but I knew I couldn't. That wasn't me at all.

"I… am looking." _'Looking?'_ I thought to myself. _'I meant 'reading'.'_ But the word never passed my lips and the more I thought about it, the more I wondered if that would've even been the right word to use.

"Looking?" She asked, before then looking at the book I held in my hands. "Why are you looking at a book about mental illness?" She asked; her wonder-filed eyes darting back to me.

"I…" What did I tell her? I was no longer as composed as I had been back in the infirmary. So… what was there, really? I felt as though if I tried to explain even the simplest of lies to her, I would snap under it and say way more of the truth than I would ever want to.

And I did not want that to happen; especially to a girl that I could very well not know at all.

Finally, I stood up from where I'd been on the floor. "I need to go." I told her, beginning out of the aisle so I would no longer be forced to remain under those piercing eyes.

"Near!" She called after me.

But I couldn't stop; I couldn't risk being found out now –especially when I had so little control over the words that I said. It just wouldn't be safe for me to remain there trying to talk to her when I wasn't sure what I'd say.

Without stopping at all, I exited out of the library and started again, walking wherever my feet decided to take me and never once thinking to go against it.

In my hands I still clutched the mental illness book, and the least that I could hope for was that maybe when I stopped I would be able to read it again, or maybe find someone who would read it to me.

When I finally stopped, I was surprised to see where exactly I was.

I was in front of Mello's bedroom door.

What had brought me here? He was my proclaimed rival… he wouldn't want to help me. Or so I figured. But… at the same time, I figured it was worth a try. After all, he did seem to be the only one I could completely remember. Maybe it was our constant competition that made him so familiar to me.

I quietly opened the door and peered inside, instantly finding the said blonde laying on his bed with a chocolate bar in one hand and a book in the other. He looked over at me, confused. "What the hell do you want, Near? Get out!" He nearly shouted at me.

But I didn't falter by that. I was far too desperate to get his help to back out now.

I stepped into the room and closed the door behind me carefully and just as quiet. I was thankful in that moment that Mello was alone and I didn't have to deal with his roommate. That gamer. I shifted a little bit in my spot with my book held in my nervous hands.

"Near?" He asked firmly; demanding an answer. He stood up and walked over to me –I figured so he could be closer to me if he decided he wanted to strike.

I didn't answer him, I just looked down and opened the book I still held open to the page where my disorder was. While I couldn't read the text anymore, I'd read the book over enough times to know exactly what was where.

After I found it, I held it open for him. "Mello, I need your help." I swallowed hard, "I need you to read this to me."

A/N: So it's finally been discovered. Near now knows what's wrong with him. Now he has to deal with this, and it seems his blonde rival is his choice of who is to help him. Who knows, maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't. I guess you'll just have to keep reading! Ha! Look at me, I sound like a summary. Lol! Anyway, yeah, keep reading! And, as always, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I know it's been a while since I last updated, but I got a little discouraged. I don't know what it was about the last chapter, but… for some reason, I didn't get as much feedback as I was hoping for, and it led me to think that it must not have been that good to deserve a review. I don't know, maybe I'm just over thinking things. Anyway, I hope this chapter is better. Please let me know!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 7

"Schizophrenia…" Mello read, and I watched as his blue eyes moved across the page. Maybe he was reading it to himself. Did he not know he wasn't reading it aloud? For a moment I considered telling him so.

But finally, his eyes moved back to me, "Why do you want _me_ to read this to you? Read it yourself." He shoved the book back at me before stepping away –his look cold now.

"I can't." I forced myself to say.

This made him stop, and he turned back towards me, his look still cold but I could see the wheels turning in his mind as he asked, "Why?" His voice was slow, and forced. He was resting on some conclusion, but I didn't know what.

I just shook my head, and repeated, "I can't."

I could see he wanted to ask me again, but that wouldn't get us anywhere. His confused look only deepened, but he didn't say anything. I wondered if he was waiting for me to say something. But what could I?

"You can't read it anymore? Or… you just don't want to read it yourself?" He finally asked me. What a hard question… both were reasons. Even if I _could_ read it, I wasn't sure I'd want to. The reality felt like it would be just a little too harsh for me.

Instead of answering, I simply shook my head, my eyes falling to the floor in shame. I knew what I had been before this and now… I was reduced to this –asking my rival for help with the simplest things, and relying on everyone else to guide me into whatever reality this was.

Mello must've understood that something was wrong, whether it was in my behavior, or my responses, as the next thing he asked was, "Have you talked to one of the doctors about this?"

I nodded, "I came from there." I said, feeling like I was forgetting words, or being too vague.

"You just came from there? Well why'd they let you leave! Near, you have to go back and get this figured out!" He said, physically turning me around and trying to push me from his room. But I wasn't budging.

I didn't want to know what kind of things they would do to me once I went back. My mind played me visions of physical experiments they would do if I let Mello take me back. I saw myself cut open on a table as dark unidentifiable doctors loomed over. I didn't want that to happen. "No…"

Mello moved around me, to the front now, and glared hard at me, "Near, what the hell is going on? Something's _obviously_ wrong with you, and they'll be the only ones that can help. This book," He took it, and threw I across the room onto his bed, "Isn't going to do anything!"

'_He'll kill you._' Came a distorted voice inside my head. _'Run!'_ I took a step back in response, but I couldn't bring my body to move any more than that. I remembered what had happen the last time I ran.

When I didn't say anything back, Mello sighed in annoyance and grabbed my wrist, pulling me out of his room and towards the stairs, and the only thing I could do was follow him, as this voice in my head continued to scream that Mello was going to kill me.

Upon finally reaching the infirmary again, my eyes fell, but not before taking notice of the people here. There was the familiar doctor, Roger, Mello, myself, and a whole group of dark, shady looking doctors standing silent in the corner –they resembled the ones from my visions, and it made me increasingly uneasy.

Even so, the doctor took me back to the bed I had originally been lying on, and we both sat down; the rest of the room's occupants loomed behind him.

I looked around as the doctor spoke, "I'm glad you came back, Near. There're a lot of things I want to ask you." He pulled out a chart and a pen before he looked back at me. "How long have these things been going on?"

I had to think about this. I knew I hadn't always been hearing these voices, and seeing all these things, but how long had they really been there? It was hard to tell, as I couldn't seem to differentiate between reality and… whatever else the rest of those worlds were.

"I don't know," I finally said, feeling myself shake a bit from how nervous I was, "A few days maybe? I don't remember."

"What kind of things do you experience?" He continued.

Again I had to think about it. But as I did, the voices cut through my thoughts. _'He'll kill you! He's going to kill you! He knows!'_ This made me nervous, and I shifted in response. What did he know? Did he know what I was seeing?

"Don't you already know?" I asked. "Don't you see it too?"

Mello suddenly huffed loudly from his side of the room, "What the hell is wrong with him?" He asked, looking between Roger and the doctor.

The said doctor turned to Mello, and I saw the frustration in his eyes, "Near's been diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I'm sorry you've suddenly been involved, Mello, but I suppose he came to you because you must be the only one he remembers."

This seemed to clench it for me, the doctor was seeing what I was, maybe even as far as hearing my own thoughts, and the voices. How else would he know those things?

Mello didn't say anything, but I saw his eyes widen in surprise as he looked back at me. He leaned against the nearby wall, and just continued to watch.

The doctor sighed as he turned back to me, "Sorry." He said, "I don't see the things you do." I knew he was lying. "But I-." He paused, and stood up, "Hold on." He stepped away from me, and moved to a closet in the back of the room, where he shuffled around for a while before returning back to me, now holding a pink pill and a cup of water.

"Take this." He said, handing me both. I looked down at them for a moment before looking up again. I couldn't find the words to ask him what it was, but I suppose he'd read my thoughts, as he suddenly said, "It's an antipsychotic medicine, which will block your hallucinations for a while."

I looked down at it again, and without another question, I took it, swallowing it with the offered water, and then closed my eyes, trying hard to make it work instantly. I wanted to feel normal again.

My eyes opened, and I looked around the room. Everyone was still there –Mello, Roger, the doctor, and the dark doctors in the back of the room.

I looked down at the doctor once more, and he spoke, "It'll take a couple minutes, but it should work. Are you seeing anything… not right, right now?"

"I see this room, you," I began, looking around, "And Mello, and Roger, and those doctors in the back." Almost instantly everyone's eyes looked back, and I saw the confused look on their faces. What was wrong? Didn't they see them too?

I sighed and let my head fall into my hand –it was starting to pound, and I didn't know why. How could this be happening? What had I done to deserve any of this?

"It's alright, they'll go away." The doctor told me, but I couldn't be sure if he was seeing them like I was, or just trying to reassure me. "Focus on my questions again. Has this ever happened before a few days ago?"

I shook my head, "No."

"Is there any history of Schizophrenia in your family?"

"I don't know." It was impossible for me to know. I had been taken from my family so young that I would have never been able to tell such a thing.

He nodded, "Why don't you tell me about your family?"

I didn't speak for a long while. It felt like my body was beginning to slow down a bit, and if I wanted my body to act, it took longer for the action to actually happen. My thoughts were slower too, but I was able to rationalize things a bit better now, and thus I was able to determine that it was probably just a side effect of whatever medicine I had just taken.

My eyes finally moved over to Roger. We were always told not to talk about our past, or give out our real name, or anything of that sort. What was I supposed to do now?

He nodded, giving me the okay.

But then my eyes moved to Mello. How could I tell such precious information with my rival standing right there? He didn't seem to get my hint that I wanted him to leave. He just looked away, feigning that he wasn't listening.

"Uhm…" I hesitated, looking down at my hands. "Well… I never really knew my Dad. He died when I was very young. When I was born he had to work a number of jobs to support us, since my mother didn't work." My actions were slow, but at least my words came out the way I thought them. I was thankful for that. "My mother was alright… always very quiet. But after my father died… she would get very mad, all the time. She used to say that it was my fault, and would punish me for it."

I paused as I remembered it. I hadn't thought about those memories for a long time, and it was hard. "It continued periodically for years and years until she finally killed herself in the end." Even I could hear how cold my voice was. I suppose I could offer nothing more to someone like that. I didn't love her anymore.

The doctor nodded in understanding, "I see. Well then…" He looked over his information. "More than your Schizophrenia is hereditary. Your mother probably had it, and it was triggered after your father died. Normally, Schizophrenia shows up in males in their late teens, early twenties, but I'm sure it's not unheard of for it to appear a few years before, too."

I listened carefully, trying to remember all this information for later, if I was to ever need it.

"What I think we should do is just monitor you for now, and see where this goes, or if it gets any worse. I'm going to give you more of those pills I gave you. We don't have much, so I'll have to order more, but it'll be enough for the time being. Take one a day and it should stop your visual hallucinations."

I listened, but let my eyes trail around the room again, taking notice to the fact that everyone was still here –minus the group of doctors that'd been there before. I understood now, that they must've been my hallucination. At least the pills were fast-acting; that was comforting.

"However… this is a degenerative thing, it seems. You'll have to… learn things over again." He continued

"Learn things over again?" I wouldn't even be able to go to my normal classes? My heart dropped as I heard that.

The doctor nodded, "Yes. Simple skills will begin to be effected, even things like performing daily tasks will probably need to be re-taught after some point." He looked back, towards Mello. "And… I think it would be best if you, Mello, were the one to teach him."

That got the blonde's attention, and his eyes snapped up to the doctor, "What?!" He practically shouted, "Why do I have to be involved in this shit? It's not _my_ fault he's gone insane!"

"Mello…" Roger chided.

"I think it would be best, Mello." The doctor practically repeated, "You're the only one that Near remembers, and if that's so, then if you're the one to teach him, then he might remember what you're teaching him, and be able to recover some things more."

"No!" Mello protested, standing fully. I watched emotionally, figuring I should've seen this coming. "I didn't ask to have that prick remember me! So why do I have to be dragged into this? Hire someone to come teach him! I don't want anything to do with it!"

"Mello if that's what he needs, you're going to be the one to teach him." Roger told him forcefully as the said blonde turned to exit the room.

Roger followed after him, and so did the doctor, and I heard Mello respond, "I'm _not_ going to do it! It's your fault anyway! This whole damn institution and all the fucking stress is probably what did it for him! It's your fault that now he's useless! And now you want me to try and fix him?" His shouts were cut off as the doors closed.

I sat still on the bed, just watching the door and hearing the muffled shouts of each of them. My eyes fell to the floor. I felt bad for being the reason that all this problem was happening. Maybe I was useless… it was probably only a matter of time before they got rid of me.

Being alone now, in this cold lifeless infirmary, felt like a sign of things to come.

A/N: Well… I had originally planned to go further with this, but when I saw how long it already was, I thought it would do for now. So… tell me, did you like it? Did you hate it? What? Please be kind enough to leave a few words, they really mean a lot for me. And if you have any ideas for things you might want to see, that would be good to hear too.

For those who celebrate it, Happy Thanksgiving!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I almost didn't get this chapter up today. I was so... I don't know. I told myself I was going to write it, and I tried, but until I actually got some help with it, and sat myself down and forced myself to write it... this just was not looking like it was ever happening. I hope you guys like what I did with this, and where it ends up going. Thanks to Bio-electric anemone for putting up with me today XD And... to everyone else, happy readin and _please_ let me know what you think! I'd really appreciate it and it'd really boost my confidence.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story!

Chapter 8

How suddenly and forcefully my life had changed. It all happened so quick I knew there was no hope that I could have ever caught it. Schizophrenia felt like the one thing I couldn't read like an open book.

Maybe if I wasn't already insane I'd find it easier to say that this whole thing was just maddening. Never having a grasp on reality… never being able to tell what was real, or what was just in my head… sometimes it was just too much for me to take.

But I never knew how to escape it all. I had those magic pink pills that the doctor had given me, which I had begun to take more frequently, but, as he had said, they only took away my visual hallucinations. And when they did, it always seemed to make the auditory ones flare up even more.

After a month of this I've pretty much figured out that there _is_ no escape to it. I'm endlessly trapped in a world that does not feel like it's my own.

My eyes slipped open slowly, and cautiously, looking around to make sure that there was no one in my room with me before I allowed myself to sit up. Thankfully, the room was bare this morning. I hated it when I saw those dark, silent people here. Even if I knew they weren't real… they _felt_ real, and they still bothered me.

I got out of bed to start my routine for the morning. Somehow, I always remembered it: shower, dressed, breakfast, and then classes.

However, while I remembered it, executing it was a completely different thing altogether.

I could get the basics, like being able to figure out how to turn on the water for a shower every morning. But I could never remember how to make it hot… nor could I ever seem to quite get what bottle was supposed to clean what part of me.

Then for getting dressed, that was always an issue… though I tried hard to avoid it. The main thing that always got me, as it did today, was my shirt. I never understood how the little circular buttons were supposed to attach to the other side of the shirt. I saw the holes, but for some reason… I could never grasp how they fit into such small holes.

Something in the back of my mind always screamed at me at how it was supposed to be done. It felt like having a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can never get it.

I sighed in frustration after staring between the buttons and the holes for a few minutes. _'I give up…'_ How did something so easy suddenly become so frustrating?

I decided I would just hold my shirt closed today, since that seemed to be the only option. I considered possibly asking Roger for some different shirts –ones that didn't have buttons- but I finally decided that I liked my old ones too much. They felt nice, and safe, somehow.

I went over to my door and opened it carefully, looking around for any of the other kids that might see me. The hallway was empty, so I stepped out, and decided that, today, I would skip breakfast and go straight to 'class' in the library.

I continued to look around as I cautiously walked. I didn't know what I would do if anyone came out. It felt like now, I wanted my solitude more than ever.

Suddenly, a sound caught my ears and I stopped in place –utterly frozen.

Laughter.

I looked behind me when I saw no one was in front of me, finding that there was still no one there. Then where was the laughter coming from? I turned forward and began walking a bit faster with my eyes pointed to the floor.

'_Go away!'_ I shouted in my head at the persisting laughter. It seemed that the further I walked, the louder the laughter seemed to get. I suddenly had the thought that, maybe, the further I went, the louder it would get, until my ears finally started bleeding.

"Stop!" I practically shouted desperately, forcing myself to continue down the hall towards the stairs. But this time, I moved faster, practically running to try and get away from it.

I had just reached the stairs and was about to descend when, in my panicked state, my foot suddenly slipped from under me on the smooth wooden floors, and, before I could make my hands catch me, I was falling down the stairs.

I couldn't even comprehend every direction I turned as I fell, until I finally smacked down at the bottom of the floor. And even then I couldn't bring myself to move. My body was in pain, and I thought that if I moved it would only hurt me more.

"What the hell?" Came a sudden voice that I remembered. One of the only voices I _did_ remember anymore.

I looked up and saw Mello standing there –in the doorway there were a few kids peaking around and looking at me. Their eyes were burning into me, like they usually did when I accidentally drew too much attention to myself.

Mello must have seen me look over at them, for his blue eyes moved over to them, and I saw the way they hardened. "What the hell are you looking at?" He said loudly, and forcibly. "Go away!" With that, they did just that –disappearing around the corner again.

Mello sighed before kneeling down to help me. "You fell down the stairs?" He asked.

I nodded, "They were… laughing at me." I said quietly as Mello helped me to sit up. There was a dull ache through my body now, but I tried to ignore that.

"Who?" Mello asked, reaching for my shirt when he noticed it wasn't buttoned to do it up himself. I never figured out how, but somehow Roger had been able to talk Mello into helping me out. Or maybe he had forced him.

Either way, Mello had stepped up to do that job. It was odd, sometimes, to see how patient he could be around me, when he was trying to teach me. Or to watch him do the simple things, like he was now, buttoning up my shirt.

I would have never expected anything like this from him, and in the beginning I had even gone so far as to think… maybe he was doing this for his own gain. But I had never been able to figure out what that might be, or how helping me like this would benefit him, so I had no choice but to let it go.

"I don't know." I answered quietly, hearing how stupid it sounded.

After he'd finished buttoning up my shirt, Mello pulled me up so I was standing. "Then just forget it. If you can't put a face to them, then it must not be real." He told me.

I nodded, despite everything I wanted to say against it. He always told me to ignore it, because it _wasn't_ real, but he didn't understand how hard that could be at times. Even if I can't find where the sounds are coming from… it still always feels so real.

"Anyway," Mello started again before I could bring any of that up, "Let's go and get this done with." He said, starting off down the hallway, which would take us to the library.

I followed after him so I wouldn't get lost. "What are we…" I paused to find my next words. "Doing?" I tried. It didn't feel right, but it was the only word that would come out.

Thankfully, he was able to understand what I meant. "I told you yesterday, you have to practice reading again." He explained. "Until you can get that, again, you won't be able to get anywhere else."

"Oh…" I answered, letting my head fall a bit. The very thought that I couldn't read anymore hurt. I was back at square one again, and this time the next step seemed to be a mountain higher than this spot.

We entered into the library, which was vacant, for the other orphans had classes to go to at this point. Thankfully, I heard that Roger had told the others that we were getting trained somewhere else, so there were no suspicions from the others.

I went over and sat down at one of the tables, where there were already a stack of books sitting. Mello sat at the perpendicular side to me, but my eyes stayed on the books. I hoped he didn't want me to read all of those today…

Mello took one from the stack and opened it. "You've read this book before, Near. Do you remember? We read it in class last year. You got hundreds on all the book quizzes." His eyes moved from me to the book, as he opened it to the first page.

My eyes scanned the whole thing, but I couldn't focus on the first word, like Mello wanted me to. I sighed. Every day felt so repetitive… and things didn't seem to be getting any better.

Every day Mello gave me a new book to read, and every day we barely made it past the first page. Was this even worth it anymore? I couldn't even read a book… how was I supposed to be able to get through anything else? Let alone become the next L, at this rate.

I sighed, "I don't like to read today…" I said, feeling my words get messed up in their deliverance. But it didn't matter. Mello understood my meanings well enough.

He glared at me, "You have to learn to read before you can get anywhere else, Near. How do you expect to be able to read cases? Or read simple instructions? Anything! Reading is the basis of everything."

I sat up, closing my eyes, "What does trying matter, anymore?" I asked. "It's just a dream."

"A dream?" He asked, in surprise, and slight disbelief. I suppose it was because he never saw what I saw that made it so hard to understand. But it was reality for me. He was trapped in this dream, but I was constantly moving between one and the next.

"Yes, a dream. Maybe… if I just… stay here, I'll wake up. And I will know how to read, and will be better than you again. It is a dream, anyway." I said, closing my eyes and thinking that to myself.

I just wanted to escape this. I wanted things to go back to the way they used to be.

Mello was silent for a long moment. So long, in fact that I finally opened my eyes and looked over at him. It was at this moment, when I saw the anger burning in his cerulean eyes and his clenched fists on the desk, that I wondered why anyone had thought it was a good idea to leave us alone in here.

"Near…" He said through gritted teeth. Something I had said made him angry. That much, I was sure about. "You… I…" He was grinding his teeth, hard, and I knew it must've been hard for him to keep it all back.

Finally, as though with a sudden explosion of energy, he jolted up from the seat and walked away, "I can't even fucking do it! It's not worth it when you're not even sane enough to get it!" He practically screamed back at me as he walked away.

I watched him leave, and felt the way the room shook as the door was suddenly slammed closed. But none of it hit me until a few minutes after he was gone.

I took in a heavy breath. "Mello…" I said quietly. "Come back. Come back!" But my voice barely got over a whisper, and I knew that… even if my voice did carry and Mello heard it, he wouldn't come back.

Mello was finished with this. Done with my insanity, and done with me. And as I sat there and thought about it, I realized that, so was the rest of the people at the orphanage. Why else would they have assigned Mello to do this job over anyone else?

Because nobody else wanted to deal with me. At least with Mello they could force him.

I looked over at the door, thinking to myself that I just… didn't want to be here anymore. All these hallucinations… hearing things that were never there, and being unable to even do things for myself was just too much for me to take. No one should ever have to deal with this.

And, for me, even this month had been one month too long.

This was a reality I didn't want. I wanted, no, I needed something else. Anything was better than this. Maybe the serene night version of reality, when no one else was around me; and it became easier for me to think.

Hesitantly, I stood up from the table, unsure of where exactly I was going now. Somewhere I could take care of this. There had to be escapes from this life in this house, and I had a feeling that my body knew where they were.

So I simply let it take me there.

-

The next thing I knew I was standing in front of a wooden door on the second floor. My eyes memorized every grain of wood in it, for, at this moment, I was unable to open the door. Maybe because I knew what lay inside, and I wasn't sure if I was ready to face it.

Finally, I swallowed hard and forced a shaking hand up to the handle and forced the door open, revealing the pale inside of the bathroom. The place I figured everything was about to change.

If my life wasn't going to change on it's own, as it had by giving me different realities to live in, then I felt more than ready to force it to change now, if even in the most drastic way ever.

It didn't matter anymore, anyway.

I closed the door to block out the rest of the world then went over to the white, porcelain tub, turning on one of the nozzles so the water began furiously running; then I plugged the bottom. This was going to end my way; it was just too perfect of an idea not to.

As I waited for the water to rise to a sufficient level, I looked at myself in the mirror. If I had not known any better, I would have never known it was me that was staring back. My eyes were incredibly hollow, and black, my skin a sickly pale in equally pale clothes that just hung on my frame.

I was a body, now, with no soul to speak of anyway.

I sighed, _'Hopefully I won't have to deal with this insanity in my next reality.'_ I told myself, finally having to look away from the mirror, over to the tub.

There wasn't much water in it, but it was enough for me. I went over and, without undressed, got in –sitting in the freezing water and letting it send waves of shock through my body that screamed to get out.

But I wasn't listening. Instead, I just lay back, on the bottom of the tub and stared at the ceiling as I waited for the water to completely cover me, and cut me off from this world, and everything that came with it.

I could hear the rushing water, and feel how numb it was already beginning to make my body. I prayed there wouldn't be any pain as I was transported. I just wanted some peace from this whole thing. I knew I could withstand a lot… but this was just too much.

Finally the water covered over my entire face and I closed my eyes, holding my breath and waiting… painfully waiting for the end to _this_ reality's life to come, so that I would be able to start the new one quicker.

My hands gripped the sides of the tub to keep me under, but the longer I stayed there, and listened to the racing water that continued to cover me, the more my lungs began to send pangs of pain to my brain, telling me to surface so that they would be able to take in air.

'_No,_' I told them, _'Just a little longer, and then I'll be free.'_

They continued to scream, getting louder and louder in my head as the time passed on. But I knew that their screams of pain only meant that I was closer to my own happiness. I could hold out… I could do it.

I would finally be free.

A/N: Yes, I know, quite an evil cliffhanger. Or… is it? Maybe this is really the ending of the story! I guess the only way for you to find out is to put it on alert and wait to see. But… reviews would be nice to let me know what you're thinking, what your reactions were, what you like, what you don't like, and all that good stuff. Please, please, leave me some reviews and tell me what you think! I love reading them! And… as a final note, thank you to Bio-electric anemone for helping me through this chapter. It would literally not be here if it wasn't for her. Thank you ^^

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: So, first I want to say this, not in response to any specific review, but just because it just suddenly came to me and I figured I had better put it in one of these author's notes soon. I want to stress the fact that, with this story, I'm not doing what anyone else might do. I'm not stressing the situation and trying to play it out into a romance. (Though you might be surprised by what happens later.) No, instead, I'm asking my own question, in this case 'what would Near be like as a schizophrenic?' and then answering it by writing this story. I'm desperately trying to keep things as accurate as I can. Thank you for listening to my little rant, I hope you enjoy this chapter and leave a nice review.

Happy birthday to Mello, and to myself!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, nor do I own any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 9

I could hear the water rushing around me, the sound flooding my ears continuously, and it seemed to be that I could feel every single thing –the water which seemed to paralyze me in place my hands gripping the sides of the tub, and the way my lungs were screaming for the air that was so close to me.

'_No!'_ I screamed at my body. _'Just a little bit longer! I need freedom!'_

But obviously, it wasn't meant to be.

Suddenly, without even thinking, or making myself act, I was brought to the surface, and I felt my hands keep me up, out of the paralyzing water as I gasped desperately for air.

But after a long minute I couldn't bring myself to move anymore, and my arms, which were supporting my body, were beginning to give out and I felt myself begin to slide down into the water slowly.

My head remained out of the water, but the rest of me was submerged, and beyond my control. As I leaned against the tile on the side wall and stared at the faucet that continued to pour endless amounts of water into the already filled tube, I began to think that maybe I had accomplished what I'd wanted.

Maybe my body had gone to the next waiting reality, and left this one dead, while my soul had been left trapped in here. I took a deep breath of the chilled air around me and hoped desperately that my soul would follow after my body.

I was so desperate to leave, after all.

-

I don't know how long I was in that paralyzing water, but I knew it was overflowing the tub, and left me unable to move. After a while, it had even caused my vision to go blurred, and even if I had wanted to get up, there was no way I'd be able to. None of my extremities reacted to my commands anymore, and even my mind was slow to act.

What was going on?

Suddenly there was a pounding on the bathroom door, "Hey!" Called the male voice, and I felt my heart drop when I heard it. "You're flooding the entire hallway!"

'_Mello…'_ How ironic, I thought to myself, that the one person who had finally pushed me over the edge to this –to searching so desperately for a way to the next reality- should be the one to find me.

'_No! Go away!'_ I wanted to say, but the words wouldn't leave my lips, and after another minute I heard the door to the bathroom open, but I had to wonder how that'd been accomplished –hadn't I locked the door when I came in?

I didn't even have a chance to try to force anything out of my mouth when suddenly Mello was there, his arms breaking the surface of the water to grab me –but he instantly recoiled from it. Why?

"Jesus, Near!" He exclaimed in a painfully quiet voice. I could hear the worry dripping from his every word, but why? I didn't understand. What was wrong? "How long have you been in this freezing water?!"

Freezing? Cold? The water was cold? I hadn't even registered that that was the case, but now that I thought about it, it did make sense. I had never figured out how to turn on the hot water, and it did explain why I was unable to move.

When I didn't answer him, he put his arms in the water once more, and this time lifted my lethargic body out of the water –quickly grabbing some nearby towels and holding them against me.

"You're not even shivering…" He said in a whisper, probably more to himself as he tried desperately to warm me up. But we both knew it was no use.

I hadn't even realized that Mello was kneeling on the floor, in the freezing water that still continued to waterfall over the edge of the tub until he finally stood up –holding me close to him as he did so.

'_Stop…'_ I wanted to tell him, _'I don't want to make you cold as well.' _But the only thing that came out was a small whimper.

My vision was too blurred to register where exactly Mello was taking me, but I knew he had taken me out of the bathroom to the hall. I whimpered once more, fighting out a word, "Where…?"

"Infirmary." He said, straight to the point. "We have to get you warmed up before you freeze to death, Near."

My eyes slipped closed, "I… I'm… Mello…" My head was becoming lighter, and in that moment I wasn't cold anymore. I didn't feel anything –not my body, or the cold, or how soaking wet I was.

Mello froze in his spot, "Hey! Hey! Open your eyes, Near!" There was an emotion in his voice again; this time it was fear. What was he afraid of?

"Can't." I said in an exhale, feeling the way my head was spinning around. "Just… let me be. I'm tired." At least, that's what it felt like. My body felt exhausted, and some kind of unconsciousness was pulling at me.

Mello didn't move, but I felt him hold me tighter, "Near! Hey!" I felt him lightly slap my cheek. "Listen to me, okay? You have to stay awake, alright? You have to keep your eyes open!" He paused before continuing. "Hold on, just don't fall asleep!"

I wanted to tell him I wouldn't. I wanted to do anything he wanted me to, just to get that fear out of his voice. But I couldn't, and inevitably my consciousness finally did slip away from me.

-

The next thing I knew, my eyes were slipping open, revealing blurred vision, and bright lights all around me. I was laying on some kind of table, and there were numerous bodies moving all around –speaking and demanding things. Were they talking to me?

I whimpered and felt my body begin to shake as I tried to move my arms to rub my eyes. But suddenly they took notice that I was conscious again.

"He's awake! Alright…" I heard one male voice say, but they were just bodies to me. Maybe they weren't even human at all. "You're going to be fine, Near!" How did they know who I was?

I shifted again, but someone else was holding my arms. This was chaos. Who was around me? What was going on? Why was I so cold?

Suddenly, the male who'd spoken to me placed a mask over my nose and mouth and instructed me to just breathe. Now what were they putting into my body?

Whatever it was, I wanted nothing to do with it. "No…" I complained, turning my head different ways in a desperate attempt to get it off of me. But the man put his hand over the mask and held me still.

I took a deep breath in, and felt warm air enter my lungs and the cold begin to leave me. A few more breaths of the comforting air finally seemed to somehow calm me. My body went into a somewhat catatonic state, where my body was numb and completely still. My mind was no longer under my control, and it felt like I shouldn't even have consciousness. But my eyes remained half-lidded, staring up at the bright lights that almost looked heavenly.

They seemed so close to me. Why couldn't I reach them?

-

When I was finally able to control myself again, and I came back into my body, it was darker in the room. My mind was calm, and somehow I was able to rationalize that the people that'd helped me were doctors. I was in the infirmary.

But now, there was no one around me, and I couldn't move. The clear mask was still over my face –filtering in warm air. In a way, it was relaxing for me to feel it. But I could also feel that my body was wrapped up in numerous blankets, and for that I felt terribly constricted.

Suddenly the pale sheet separating my space from the rest of the infirmary was pulled back and the familiar doctor who always worked with me stepped in. I looked over at him, and wanted to ask what had happened, but he spoke first –somehow reading my mind as he sat down, and answering my question.

"Mello found you in the tub on the second floor. You'd flooded the hall with the cold water and had slipped into hypothermia. Do you… remember any of it?"

While I hadn't been able to completely understand every word the doctor told me, I understood enough to get what had happened. _'Tub, flood, cold, hypothermia?'_ I repeated each of those understood words in my mind. _'I… what was I doing?'_ I couldn't remember.

I finally shook my head, "Only a little." I replied, feeling like I was using the words of a child, instead of _my_ vocabulary. I hated it.

The doctor nodded in understanding, his dark eyes watching me the entire time. "Well… I have to ask, anyway. Were you trying to commit suicide, Near?"

'_What's that?'_ I wondered to myself. The definition seemed to be on the edge of my mind, but I just couldn't grasp it. Somehow he seemed to understand, "Were you trying to kill yourself?" He clarified.

I just barely shook my head, "No." And I didn't feel it was a lie. I was trying to reach the next reality. Or in the very least escape to my dreams –where everything made sense. I wasn't trying to kill myself, I just needed to get away.

He nodded, but I didn't think he believed me. "I see… because, you know, if you were, we'd have to commit you to a hospital."

'_A hospital? For what?'_ I wondered, but the question didn't make sense in my mind, so I tried to let it drop and instead looked away from him. His eyes burned into mine, and I didn't want him reading my mind anymore.

He sighed, and it drew my attention back to him. "Near… I've done some thinking, and I've spoken to Roger about this, but…" He paused, "I have a friend by the name of Dr. Meloche who lives in London. He specializes in mental disorders, and I think it would be best if you went to see him. I'm thinking that perhaps he might know of some way to help you better than we know how to here."

I looked over at him again, and gave him a confused look. They wanted to send me away from here? Well… that did make sense, considering no one here wanted to help me.

Maybe if I could make the trip to London and see this other doctor, then maybe he could cure me or this, and I could get back on the track my life had been on before this hit me a month ago. I finally nodded, in agreement to this.

A/N: Ooh, road trip time! I think the hardest part about writing this was the beginning, and the end. It was so hard for me to visualize what going through hypothermia must feel like. I swear, I took four showers just to try and visualize it best. So, I hope it came out alright, please let me know. Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: So the last chapter didn't do quite as well as I would've liked it to. But, you know, I understand with it being the holidays, and finals, and all that jazz. Everyone's busy, so I'm not thinking too much into it. In any case, thanks to all the people that did review, and who read it, too. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Please be kind, leave a review. It'd be a nice late holiday present! ... By the way, yes, I do realize this is practically the same note as the one I left on KATP. Originality ftw…

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 10

The train that we took to get to London was like nothing I would have ever expected it to be. Sure, I knew I had taken a train once before –when I was originally transported to Winchester, England so many years ago. But it had not been _anything_ like this.

With this, I could hardly keep my eyes within the car we were in. The earth moved underneath us, and the whole scenery outside seemed to be blends of so many different colors all at once. I wondered if this was reality, or if this was just some spectacular meant to entertain the passengers for the ride.

Looking around the car, I tried to see if anyone else was as captivated by the colors as I was. The doctor that took care of me was sitting beside me, looking over some type of file. Roger was diagonal to me, reading a book.

Then there was Mello, sitting across from me with his arms folded across his chest and his eyes pointed out the window. His blue eyes were firm, and focused. I'm sure he was angry about having to come with me on this trip.

I hadn't been there when, whoever it was, told him he would have to accompany me, but I could imagine that he hadn't been too happy. After all, he'd been mad at me before all of this… it only made sense that perhaps he was still holding that anger.

"What?" He suddenly asked. I hadn't realized that he had noticed me watching him and turned, glaring at me. "What're you staring at?!"

I shook my head, "No." I said, instead of the word I'd meant to.

His glare only increased, "Well, turn your non-staring at me eyes somewhere else."

Roger suddenly turned a bit and glared at Mello, "Mello!" He said, in warning.

"What!" Mello said, louder in frustration. I slinked back in my seat a bit, not liking that I was the reason for his anger, and wanting to be as far away from him as I could be if he happened to explode.

Suddenly my eyes caught sight of something outside of the room we were in. There was a woman pushing a cart full of food down the hallways, stopping every few moments and speaking with the people inside the rooms.

"I… have to go." I said, forcing out words in a desperate attempt to get them right. I wanted some of whatever was on that cart.

I saw the way Roger turned a bit more, as if to tell me I couldn't go, but the doctor stopped him before he could, "Let him walk around a bit. They won't let him go from one car to the next." Roger nodded, and with that I stepped out of the room.

However, by the time I stepped out, I realized that I was alone in the narrow hallway which was full of doors leading to little compartments like the one I had just come from.

I looked around, and took a step away from our little room, looking for the woman and her food cart I know I had seen. Where had she disappeared to so suddenly?

I took another few steps down the hall. "Hello?" I called, feeling all alone, and more and more lost. Where had I come from again? And… where had I been going?

I didn't like this… I was alone in this narrow hallway, and I wasn't sure which way would bring me back to where everyone I knew was.

'_Go on…'_ Came a voice, suddenly making me turn around –desperate to find where the source of the voice was. _'Keep going…'_ It told me.

It felt as though I wasn't in control as I took another few steps towards the end of the hall, where a door looked like it led out, and to the next car. But I could see from where I stood that there was a space between each car, which was exposed to the outside.

I tried to force myself to stop, so I wouldn't get any closer, and wouldn't put myself at that risk. But even so my body continued to move towards it, and the sudden voice that had appeared continued to speak to me. _'Go out!'_ It screamed to me. _'Step off the platform, go, kill yourself!'_

I tried desperately to pull myself back, and make myself stop before I actually did what the voices told me too, but it was no use. I was trapped in my own body watching the way my hand reached up as I got closer to the door, and finally took it, pulling it open.

A strong gust of wind flew inside the train car with almost enough force to push me over. I wanted to scream for someone to stop me before I did this, but I couldn't control my mouth, I couldn't even go as far as to turn my head away from the outside.

My heart was racing in my chest as I felt my body trying to move outside. _'Throw yourself off!'_ The voice screamed at me, and it felt like my body was more than willing to follow through with it.

"Near!"

All of a sudden I gained control over my body again, and I turned sharply, seeing Roger standing there, not too far behind me. I could find nothing to say, but my breathing was ragged and hard; my heart beating hard against my chest.

Roger must've been able to see how scared I looked, as he took a step closer to me, and placed a hand on my shoulder, "What're you doing? Come on." He told me, closing the door and directing me back towards the room.

My eyes fell to the floor as I followed, and exhaled a heavy breath to try and calm myself down again. I could only hope that this visit to the doctor in London would help to make me better.

-

London was a lot busier than Winchester always seemed to be. Somehow I didn't think I should be surprised, but I was. Not to mention, driving through the city to wherever this doctor lived made my anxiety shoot through the roof.

Even before this whole epidemic through my life into chaos I've had a problem with people. I never really figured out what it was. People are such interesting creatures. We all think we're so much better than every other animal, when in reality we're nothing different from them.

We react the same way, given the right situation, and are just as vulnerable to being controlled. In a way, I knew I hated this, and thus wanted to put myself as far away from them as I could.

Maybe, before all of this, I had thought that pulling myself away from the rest of the human world would keep me from falling into the same traps they did. I wouldn't be controlled by human impulses and emotions, like Mello was…

I looked over at the blonde, watching how bored he seemed. _'He is just a human_.' I told myself, _'Because nothing interesting is going on, he slips into boredom, like the rest of the human world would.´_ But I didn't feel boredom. So… was I not human anymore?

We pulled up to an old-styled red brick housing area. Each house was built right next to one another and looked practically the same as the one next to it. I wasn't sure how anyone could stand living so close, or in houses like these.

But we got out anyway, and I followed the other three members of our party up the stone walkway and up the few steps to the front door. My heart began to speed up again with nervousness.

What was going to happen? What would this new doctor say?

The doctor who was with us barely knocked on the door when it opened and a middle aged, blonde haired male with bright green eyes appeared. I figured he had to be the doctor we were here to see, since he was wearing the usual white lab coat.

"Ah, Dr. Anderson, I got your message yesterday! I've been expecting you." He said in a happy tone which matched the light expression in his bright face.

"Thank you for seeing us, Dr. Meloche." He said, as the doctor stepped aside and led us inside his warm home. I kept my eyes down –I didn't want to be the center of this meeting.

"Oh it's no problem at all, why don't you all step into my office down here." He said, leading us past a flight of stairs and to a back room. The office was lined with books, and brightly lit. Dr. Meloche sat behind his desk and looked over everyone. His eyes stopping and fixating on me; instantly I knew that he knew who I was…

"Well… why don't you explain to me what it is you've come here today for?" He asked, finally moving his eyes away from me, and over to Roger and the doctor who'd come with us.

The doctor, Dr. Anderson, was the one to speak, "Well, I explained to you the situation briefly in my message, Dr. Meloche. Near, here," He motioned towards me, "was a genius before Schizophrenia struck him. Now, because of it… he can't perform as well as he used to be able to."

Dr. Meloche nodded, "Understandable."

"Well, we were wondering if you could examine him, and see if there's anything I've missed –or if there's anything that can be done to try and bring him to the normal level he'd been at before."

The blonde doctor across the desk gave a heavy sigh, quickly, then looked over at me again, and as my eyes slowly trailed up to him, I saw the way he was observing me –like I was some kind of experiment. I hated that feeling, and I was halfway tempted to ask to leave the room to escape his burning eyes.

"What are you seeing, Near?" He then asked me.

But before I could speak, Dr. Anderson spoke for me, "We have him on Haldol right now, which seems to be effectively limiting his visible hallucinations." He explained, causing the other doctor to nod in understanding.

"I don't see any-." I said, my words cutting off as I forgot the last part of whatever word I was looking for. "But…" My eyes trailed up to his bright ones, that contrasted so much with my own. "Your eyes… are burning." I fought to try and explain.

It felt like his eyes were burning into me, much like the way the other orphans back at Wammy's always did. I was always tempted to escape the fire, but at the same time, I felt like I couldn't move. It felt like a terrible curse.

He nodded, "I see…" But he made no movement to look away, "Do you hear anything?"

"Hear…" I had to repeat, to make sure I understood, finally looking down at the floor to try and help me comprehend it. "No. Nothing. Just you." I managed to say, without looking back at him.

He nodded, "And… how've you been doing in classes since this?"

This time, it was Roger who answered, "Since this arose we've taken him from the normal classes. Mello," He motioned to the said blonde, "seems to be the only one Near can ever fully remember, so we've been having him tutor Near in simple things, in an attempt to work his way back up to where he used to be."

The doctor nodded, "Yes, that is a good idea. I'd encourage you to continue doing this." He sighed, then. "Unfortunately, there's not much else I can tell you, about this." He said, looking around the group. "As you know, Dr. Anderson, there is no cure for Schizophrenia. Even specialists like me can only guess at what even causes this disorder, though we feel it's genetic."

He paused, exhaling. "The best thing I think I can offer you to do, to deal with a case as different as this would be to keep him on the Haldol, however, he should only take that when he, or someone else, feels it necessary. Other than that… I think he should try taking Lithium for a while, to see what effects that will have on him."

"Lithium?" Roger asked.

The doctor nodded, "Yes, Lithium. It should help him to be able to perform everyday activities, when combined with the Haldol, of course. There are… some risks, as all medicines do, but… at this point, it's definitely worth a try for you. It's been found that, when used with antipsychotic medicines, Lithium can do some real good."

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Roger made to stand up, but Dr. Meloche caught him, as he did, "I have one more suggestion." He said, "When it comes to learning, sometimes schizophrenics can't grasp the simple things, like basic math. But, at times they can remember to do complex things, like calculus, or remember vast amounts of history. I think it might be best to explore into trying to help stimulate this part of Near's brain."

I was interested in this part of what he said. I had always felt so dumb trying to learn to read all over again with Mello. At least, with this idea, maybe I would be able to pick up on more complex things. While I may not be able to read, perhaps I can comprehend what's read _to_ me.

My view on this began to get a little brighter, as the members of our group nodded and stood up. Dr. Anderson shook Dr. Meloche's hand and thanked him for his time, and before I knew it, we were heading out of his front door again, and out onto the London streets.

As we shuffled into the car again –Mello and myself in the back, with Roger and Dr. Anderson in the front- I tried hard to listen and understand what they were saying.

They were talking about experimenting with what Dr. Meloche had talked about last –about trying to re-teach me complex things. My heart seemed to skip a beat as I listened to it.

"Well… we do could something in London while we're here before we head back to Winchester." The doctor suggested, beginning to drive, even though he had no destination in mind yet.

"Like what?" Mello suddenly asked in his firm, yet bored tone, yet never looking away from out the window. I wondered what he could be so mad about now? This was good, wasn't it? That I'd be able to recover some of my old ways of thinking.

I shrugged unconsciously and turned back to listening to the conversation.

"Well, we could do something easy, to keep from possibly overwhelming him. There's the National Portrait museum they have here in London. I hear it's very good." The doctor explained.

Mello turned and glared, "I don't want to go to some stupid art museum! That's boring!"

Roger turned and glared, "We're going to the art museum!" He told him firmly, as if deciding on that just because of Mello's statement. When I thought about it, I knew I shouldn't put it past him.

I looked over at him, "It won't be bad, Mello." I tried to tell him, feeling like I was missing a word, somewhere in there, but I couldn't seem to find it.

"Just shut the hell up." He glared out the window without looking over at me.

I sighed, looking out my own window. And just like that, it was decided. We'd go to the art museum, and I couldn't help to feel a bit excited. I always did like things like this, for one reason or another.

And hopefully, through all of this, it would help me in some way.

A/N: Yeah… I know the ending is bad, and not very concluding. For some reason I just haven't been able to create good endings on stories lately. I'm not sure why. I actually think it's because my mind is in so many different places all at once. Anyway, that's enough of my rant on that. I was originally going to continue this chapter to when they get to the museum and make a cliffhanger… but I do have a heart. … And I'm kind of lazy. Lol. Anyway, let me know what you think, or if you have any ideas, or any questions. Reviews are much appreciated!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I know it's been almost 2 months since I updated this story. But I warned all of you back in August that I was taking 4 college classes in my Senior year, and recently all of those mixed with the other 4 classes I'm taking have been eating up all my time. I come home every day and do my homework until 10 at night, and by then all I want to do is sleep. Not to mention, now I have a virus on my computer, so I can't even hook up my external hard drive to my computer –which has literally _everything_ of mine on it. So… all in all, things have been difficult the last month. But, in lighter news, I'm going to be trying my best to get chapters out on here at least once every two weeks. Also! I'm currently working on a new story, slowly but surely, I must add. If you want to see what it's going to be about, go to my profile, to the future stories info, and look for Servant at the very bottom. Let me know what you think, thanks!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 11

When we pulled up to the large stone building that was the National Portrait Museum in the center of London, I could hardly believe that we were going to be going in there. It looked like such a serious building I wasn't sure if it was even right for us to be going in.

I even hesitated getting out of the car, considering for a moment that maybe we _weren't_ supposed to be going in, but instead just see it from the outside. But I finally understood that that made no sense. There were no portraits outside the building to be seen.

Thus, with a final nervous gulp I got out and followed our small group into the building.

The inside was large and entirely made out of stone. There were high ceilings and extravagantly carved columns extended down from the ceiling, seeming to hold it up. There was a small part of me that, as I starred up at it, was afraid the columns might give out and the whole place would fall on me.

I had to look down to the floor to keep from thinking about it, and envisioning it _too_ much.

"Alright." Roger thankfully interrupted my thoughts, "I got our tickets, shall we go?" There was a small smile on his face, and when I saw that it made me think that maybe I wasn't as much of a burden as I thought I might be at the moment –bringing everyone here. Maybe he was actually genuinely interested in visiting this.

Of course there was the part of me that understood that his priorities lie in at least trying to see if this would raise anything in me from my previous knowledge. But how often did he get to go out of Wammy's and see something like this?

I finally nodded in response to him, but by the time I did the other three were already walking off. With a small sigh I had no choice but to follow after them further into the depths of the museum.

-

Everything seemed to be going well, as we continued to walk through the museum. Mostly, it was Roger and the Doctor talking about the pictures and paintings they saw hanging on the wall. Mello looked like he could care less, but I could see his eyes scanning all the captions of the art –like memorizing it would bring some significance to it later.

As for myself, I tried to look at every picture and painting and sketch we came across, but somehow every time I did, the person displayed in the art's eyes would turn and bore straight into my own and I would have to turn away.

There is no feeling like that of being stared down by inanimate objects. Believe me, you have no idea.

I really wanted to leave, I didn't care where they insisted on going next, but anywhere was better than here. This place made my anxiety levels shoot through the roof. It got to the point where my hands were sweating nervously, and my body shook beyond my control. How was it that no one else noticed how uncomfortable I was?

Then again, I was sure Mello probably noticed. It'd be just like him to notice my suffering and not do anything about it.

I finally had to stop walking and just stay in place, like my body was going into a state of catatonia and there was nothing I could do about it. Then again, there was nothing I wanted to do about it. I needed to collect myself and calm myself down if I was ever to get through this damned museum.

I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, as that was always how I attempted to make my hallucinations go away before.

When I opened my eyes, however, I noticed that now I was alone. Mello and the others had walked off somewhere without me. _'Maybe they forgot I was even there to begin with.'_ I thought to myself, looking around the different halls and trying to figure out which one they would have gone down.

There was two halls that caught my attention, and which were closest were ironically completely different from one another.

One, to the right, was brightly lit and filled with photographs that look like they should be from the sixties or so. And maybe they were, but I wouldn't know, as I couldn't read the sign at the top of the hall.

The other hall, to the left, was much darker lit and was probably more historical paintings and photographs. But again, I couldn't be sure.

It didn't take me long to decide which hall I was going to chose. I knew I'd read enough books and seen enough movies with situations like this in it to know what happens when the protagonist chooses the wrong road.

Thus, I took the only logical hall –the lighter one.

I began walking down it, and again tried to do whatever I could to avoid the gaze of the people in the photographs and paintings. And yet even still I could feel their stares following me, and burning into me.

I bit my lip, "Stop watching me." I told them. "I just… have to find the… all of them. Then we'll leave." Despite my words, the feeling didn't seem to let up in the slightest.

I finally had to stop myself in place again, as my anxiety rose to the same level it had been before. I didn't understand, why couldn't these pictures just leave me alone long enough for me to find everyone and to get out!

Why was I the one being tortured here? What had I really done?

I could feel the people walking and talking around me, like I was crazy. Maybe I was crazy? Wait… wasn't I crazy? Isn't that why we were here? I couldn't remember anymore, as my mind was too consumed by the fire from everyone's stares.

"Stop!" I heard myself say, clenching my eyes closed, but that did nothing to help me anymore. It only intensified the voices of the people around me. I could hear their imposing words.

_Lunatic_

_Crazy_

_Psycho_

"I'm not." I said quietly, trying to push the words from my mind. But they wouldn't leave me, and I finally had to force my eyes open to make the voices subside. Adding my sense of vision, I figured, might deafen the voices of the people.

But it wasn't the people around me that I saw when I opened my eyes. It was the pictures. All those pictures around me –staring at me still with those eyes that were practically on fire!

Then suddenly, I began to see them move. The people in the photos were moving towards the edge of the frame –like they were going to crawl out of the picture, into the real world and come to harm me.

"No!" I tried to tell them, backing away from the picture on the far wall as my eyes watched them seemingly get closer and closer. But then I suddenly remembered the pictures on the other side of the wall and had to move away again.

I felt surrounded! All of them were getting closer and closer to me! What was I supposed to do now, in this situation? I closed my eyes and covered my ears. "Get away from me!" I heard myself shout to the people coming out of the pictures.

My body was tense, but at the same time I felt like I was being thrashed around by invisible hands. And maybe I was. Maybe one of the people from inside the pictures had come out and was grabbing me and throwing me around this hallway.

I heard a crash, and felt myself against a side wall for a second before again the arms threw me away from there. I was shaking in fear, now, and I couldn't control anything of myself. My voice, my actions, even down to my own breathing was no longer my own.

"Near!" I suddenly heard. And then, I felt another, stronger pair of arms around me, trying to force me to stop moving, but the other invisible arms still had their grip on me, and I felt it still trying to jerk me around.

"No!" I shouted once more, and finally tore myself away from the second pair of arms. However, I slammed into a nearby wall and finally to the ground.

Everything was silent now.

Cautiously, I let my eyes slip open to look around the hall. Everyone was silent, and staring at me. One of the exhibited pictures was now smashed on the ground. Had I done that?

But what shocked me the most was that Mello was now in the room too, standing in shock with his cerulean eyes and one hand up at his cheek. We both starred at each other for a moment that seemed to go on forever. There seemed to be thousands of words being passed between the two of us, but I couldn't comprehend any of it.

Suddenly I caught sight of Roger and the doctor run onto the scene. "Mello! Near! What happened here?" Roger demanded.

"I…" I couldn't form any words, and I couldn't look away from Mello, either.

"He… was having a fit." Mello said, and I could hear the shock in his words. "He scratched me." He moved his hand from his cheek when Roger and the doctor looked over, revealing the thin red line on his cheek where, indeed, I must have scratched him. I didn't even remember doing it.

"I…" I repeated, "All of them… were coming at me. I heard them. Their words." I had to look away and my eyes closed as a surge of information was shown to me, "And… the pictures. The Margaret Foster, the Twiggy, the David Hockney ones, the Antony Sher… all of them were coming out; coming after me." I tried desperately to communicate.

There was still silence, and I finally had to open my eyes and look at all of them. There was shock on Roger and the Doctor's face. Why? Because I knew all of the people in the photos and drawings and had recited them off? That seemed about right.

But then there was Mello, who my eyes fell back onto again. When I looked at him, I felt a bit sorry for him. For, as I stared at him, I watched the way his beautiful eyes changed from shock, to fear, to then one of pure hate. Like the kind of hate that he had always held for me before I had gone insane.

But why? Why such a powerful look of hate that it made me want to draw further away from him now? Why?

"What are you seeing now, Near?" The doctor asked me quietly, like he was trying to evaluate my situation before we moved any, or dealt with anything.

"Hate." Was the only word, the only perfect word that I could find.

A/N: I don't know how well I communicated this idea. I'm trying hard to show a progression in Mello's mind and actions by the way I'm showing him, but it's incredibly hard when I'm in Near's POV, so… I hope that slowly people are beginning to understand what Mello's thinking. And, if not, I'm going to be continuing to show it –until it becomes so obvious that even Near is like, "Oh!" But, I'm sad to say, that by then, it'll be too late. However, no spoilers! But, you're free to let me in on whatever you're thinking is happening, or what might happen! Also, let me know what you thought of this chapter.

In regard to all the names Near listed off, I actually did the research of different exhibits that are in the National Portrait Museum in London and found these names. So… to some extent, it should all be right.

Anyway, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: As many of you who might have me on your Author Alert list might have noticed through emails, or even just from visiting my profile, I've started to get into Hetalia: Axis Powers, now. I've never been the type of author who can write for more than one series at one time –it bothers me to do that. Moving to Hetalia was something that I wasn't expecting, and in no ways planned, on doing. It just… sort of happened. And since I didn't feel like I was completely through with Death Note yet… I had to come back to it. So… despite the major delay in this, know that I do fully intend to finish this story. I've been having some problems thinking of ideas, which is why it's taken me so long, but… we'll see what happens with it. Please read and let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 12

I'd been feeling dead ever since that moment in the art museum in London. Then again, if I was feeling dead… then why were people still addressing me? Were they spirits, too? No, that couldn't be it. And even if they were, there would be no way Mello would be able to die and manifest on the same afterworld plane as me. So maybe I hadn't been feeling dead…

Let me start over.

I'd been feeling… unnaturally catatonic. Yes, there's the right word. I'd been feeling catatonic ever since that moment in the art museum. Something in that hateful stare Mello had sent me had burned itself into my very being.

Or in the very least, it'd been burned into my memory. I couldn't help but find it odd how I could meet someone at the orphanage have a small conversation with them, as that was all I could manage without tripping over my words as I lose them, and then suddenly forget who they were once they walked away. But with that hateful look… I couldn't forget it no matter what I did.

I couldn't even get past it –find some way to rationalize it like I know I used to, and then let it go.

Perhaps it was just that. Because I couldn't get past it mentally, I couldn't move on physically, either.

And it certainly was taking a toll on me, as well. After we got back to the orphanage from London the next day, the normal routine I'd always lived by since this whole mess started began once more –as if we had never even been gone. I hate that routine… the security it had once provided me now only made me feel like I was a prisoner to the will of everyone else.

Because I was unable to govern what I do for myself, they had to do it for me, and I no longer had the words or the rationale to fight it off.

They made me do things I didn't want to. Even simple things I found no desire for anymore –eating, interacting with the other orphans, and even sitting in on classes during the day.

Those were the worst. Do you know how it feels to sit in a classroom and hear someone preach at you about topics you _know_ you used to know more than them on? And yet now you can hardly even understand one word they're saying from the next? Not to mention the constant pestering of voices that you don't know whether their coming from children around you, or from your own conscious mind.

No, I should suppose you don't know. Well let me tell you, it is nothing short of unpleasant, to say the very least.

I was actually beginning to find that all I ever wanted to do was just sleep; if not that, then to just stay in one place. I had no will to do even the simple things anymore that I used to like to do –such as putting my blank puzzle back together, which was now an absolute impossibility for me, or even learning.

Needless to say, the latter bothered Mello, who was still assigned to teach me, more than anything.

"Near!" The said blonde's sudden voice broke me from my thoughts and I looked over at him from where he was perpendicular to me at the table in the empty library. There were papers and books scattered about the table, with various numbers and words on them. What was he trying to teach me, again? I couldn't remember…

"Hey, are you even listening to me?" He said with his look firm on me as he snapped in front of my face.

I exhaled heavily, "Yes, I'm listening." I said, forcing my eyes to look back up into his blue ones.

Mello didn't seem to believe me, and I couldn't say I blamed him. "Oh yeah? What's the last thing I said then?" He asked me. This wasn't a fair question, and I had a feeling he knew that as well as I did. But at the same time, I wasn't sure if it was worth trying to tell him that.

"You can't…" Where were my words when I needed them? I finally sighed, again, as I opted for the easiest answer that I knew I could give. "I don't remember…" I told him, looking away, out of pure shame. I hated seeing where I had fallen to. It felt like my previous life, of being the smartest of every orphan here, had been such a long time ago. Or maybe it was just a dream…

He huffed loudly, till I could hear the annoyance in just that one simple action. "Near do you want to learn to deal with this or not?" He asked, frustrated. "That doctor in London said that you had the capability to remember difficult things perfectly! Just not the simple ones!"

He slid a piece of paper over to me and continued as I looked down at the long stream of numbers and confusing symbols. "Prove it, Near. Either way. Was he telling the truth or was it a lie? Come on!"

I looked over at him, noticing the number of emotions that laced his cerulean eyes. It was a brilliant mixture of annoyance, frustration, confusion, and anger. I couldn't help but wonder why this was bothering him so much. Shouldn't it be the other way around –him indifferent and me determined to get this under control somehow?

I looked away from him once more and down to the paper. I gingerly picked up a nearby pencil, feeling how foreign it felt to my grip. I could almost not even remember how to hold it correctly as I placed the tip down to the paper.

It stayed there for a long while. I looked over the numbers of the math problem, over the entire problem as a whole, even, trying to dig up the memory of how to solve this. I even went so far as to close my eyes in a desperate attempt to help myself see any memory I happened to draw up.

But the only thing I saw was the black behind my eyes.

"I…"

"Come on, Near! Just try!" Mello didn't let me finish. "It's not that hard, just write. Move the pencil. Come on, I need this!"

My eyes snapped open and I looked over at him. What was it he had just said? _'I need this!'_ Why? This was my fight, not his. Why was he so passionate about this, when I could clearly remember him never wanting anything to do with me before this moment.

And then, by some grace of God, I suddenly understood what Mello was thinking; why he was so determined with this.

He wanted to see whether what the doctor in London had said was true or not. Somehow I could understand that, if he saw this that it would mean I still had the capabilities, somewhere, to compete. _'I must still be a threat to him._' I rationalized.

A defensive side of me shot up, wanting to protect myself from any irrational actions Mello might take now. Now that I understood that this development in me had not diffused our competition, but only strengthened it –making him fight so much harder.

I didn't want to show him that I knew, while at the same time I was trying to lock this information away so that I wouldn't forget it in the next moment. I swallowed, finally answering, "I don't know."

Somehow, this was enough to finally snap Mello.

Suddenly, he had leapt from his chair, grabbing me by the collar with enough force to hold me up and topple over the chair I'd been sitting in as well as throw the papers from the table flying. The flurry of actions happening so suddenly sent my anxiety levels through the roof, and in my haze of sudden fright I grabbed onto Mello's wrists, desperate to not let him drop me.

"You idiot!" He shouted at me, "Why can't you just do it! Write something, Near! Prove what he said one way or the other! Are you just stupid? Is it really that hard? It's just math!" He shook me once, with great force. "You're a waste of time! I don't know why I'm even bothering with you! What does Roger hope to get out of you, now, anyway? What good are you!"

I didn't know what to say. What was there really to say, right now? His words slipped from my mind like sand through open fingers, leaving only a small bit to reside in my memory. Instead, I found myself focusing on how he towered over me. His blue eyes burned. They were ice cold, but held the sting of an inextinguishable flame.

And he towered over me, as he was taller than I, not to mention much bigger as a whole, as well. Strands of his blonde hair fell from where he'd at one time pushed it behind his ears and tickled across my face with a feather touch so unlike his words.

As Mello quieted, I carefully let my hand move from where it'd been holding his wrist and to a lock of his hair –gently twisting it around my finger the way I remember doing before. "Soft…" I heard myself begin to say. "Amazing how… dead cells from our body, and keratinized protein can… turn into something like this."

Mello remained silent for a long minute, his eyes widened at me, and as I looked back into those bright orbs, I could only wish I knew what he was thinking. Or in the very least I wished I had the mind I used to, so I could try to _figure out_ what he might be thinking. All I saw before me was a wall between myself and Mello –preventing me from gaining the information I wanted.

Suddenly, he dropped me to the ground, and gave me one final glare before turning on his heels and storming out of the room. I could only watch him go, having neither the words nor the will to make him stay. What would be the point of that, anyway? Trying to read what he was thinking now was not worth another outburst.

As the door to the library slammed closed and I was left alone once more, I looked around at the mess Mello had made in his fit of anger. So much chaos in such a short period of time. It amazed me, for some unknown reason.

The sudden feeling of lethargy came back to me, and I could hardly control my body as it suddenly moved from the sitting position to laying down on the floor –one arm folded up under my head as a makeshift pillow. My eyes remained plastered on the entrance door to this room.

'_So, Mello… now that you have this information… what are you going to do next?'_

A/N: Interesting turn of events, no? As I was writing this I started to realize what some of you might be thinking as you read this: 'is Near faking?' Let me say that no, he is not. He can't control what he's saying, or his thoughts. They just… come out that way. He has moments where his normal thoughts comes back, and moments where it's worse than ever. He can't control either side of it. Anyway, I hope this wasn't too confusing, and that you're wondering Mello's thought process and what he might be planning, now. I'd love to hear any thoughts you might have on that, or any questions you might have, or even just any comments in general!

So, let me know what you think!

Please review!  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: How long has it been since I update this story? I refuse to think that it's been an entire year. That's just absurd! Anyway… let me cut to the chase. Things happened. I went places. Did some things, you know the drill. The point is for me to apologize to everyone who's so anxiously waiting for the next chapter of this story. I had points A and C figured out, but I needed to find what point B should be. Finally, the other night I went back to think about it, and decided to scrap the old ideas and go with something new that still gets me to the same point. So, hopefully you will enjoy it and it will be everything you've waited for and more. Again, I am truly sorry. I will be back to stay.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story.

Chapter 13

Go sit in a room all by yourself, someday. Just sit there. Don't do anything. Just sit, and think. Close your eyes and listen to all of the nothingness around you. Only when you do this, will you truly understand what perfect tranquility is. Especially for a genius. So many thoughts constantly rushing in your head at near a hundred miles an hour, and there's no way to stop it.

So when it finally does stop, I feel it's necessary to stop and take in the moment. Remember it. Cherish it. Because who knows when you're going to get another moment like that? Every second you don't cherish could very well be the last one. For it is the things that we take advantage of, that will be the things we lose in the end. They will be the things we hold dearest to us.

I couldn't remember how long it had been since I'd had such a perfect silence in my head? Surely it was since I was diagnosed with this terrible disorder. This curse. No… that's too dramatic to call it. But no other word seemed to come to mind, when I thought of it. Even when I had as clear of a conscious as I did now.

I wasn't sure how it happened. Or how I had done it, but when I woke up the next morning, after the confrontation with Mello, somehow things had been silenced. There were no voices raging in my ears –whispering words of torture and an eminent end. The walls were no longer closing in on me, or spiraling out of control with me locked in their grip.

For the first time in who knew how long, I was no longer fighting with myself over whether or not the room I was in, or even the bed I lay in was real. I no longer questioned whether this was reality. I _knew_ it was reality. There was no other.

My sense of time was still completely destroyed, however. I could not place whether I had come to know of this disorder two months ago, or yesterday. Or maybe I'd actually known my entire life. I shuddered at the thought of such a possibility.

But then, I heard absolute nothingness and things suddenly had a sweeter taste to them. I found small smiles passing across once firmly lined lips.

I knew I was not cured of this disease. Even in my most destroyed state, I could always remember that there was no cure for what I had. But perhaps a cure was not what I needed. Perhaps I had somehow unconsciously learned how to control my hallucinations. That was much more plausible of an idea.

Even so, I hadn't moved from my bed since awaking in the morning and realizing how silent everything was. There was still that irrational side of me that convinced me that, if I moved from this spot, it would all come flooding back to me.

The fear of regressing back into that state kept me paralyzed where I was.

'_But…'_ I thought to myself, my eyes opening slowly to look straight up at the white ceiling above me. _'What if it does go away? Should I spend however long I have in this state selfishly absorbing the peace and quiet?'_

Competition reigned firm in my mind. No, it was not competition. It was knowledge. Knowledge was what I needed. I needed to obtain it while I could and lock it away. I couldn't bear to let myself lose it all again; nothing was nearly as important to me as knowledge.

With that thought, I pushed myself to sit up, looking around the room. Stark white walls, plain furniture, a box of my toys neatly collected in the corner. It was just the way I always kept it. Nothing was missing, or moving, or talking. Everything was how it was _supposed_ to be. For now.

I slowly rose from bed, making sure that I was able to support myself before moving over to the dresser to redress. It's funny how, when you begin to lose your sanity or any part of your health quickly, the simplest of actions become the greatest chore in the world. Simple things like dressing and showering I was barely able to accomplish by myself in my _other_ state of mind. I was proud to find myself able to button my shirt with a good speed –never fumbling when things doubled or tripled in my vision.

This was good. This was a very good sign.

I turned and headed for the door, but stopped the moment my hand touched the door handle. _'What if there's something out there?'_ I thought to myself before I could stop it. But then, before I could dismiss it, there was something in me that said that that was actually a good point. _'What if there is? What if the demons lay on the other side? And they're waiting for me to exit so they can attack me.'_

I shook my head, clearing it all away. But still I didn't move. I was afraid, very afraid of the world outside the familiar confines of my room. But as I turned a moment and looked back at the room, I remembered the number of times it had acted more as a prison to me than anything else –trapping me with no exit in sight. Keeping me locked in my mind without any way to get help.

'_Don't push things,'_ I told myself, turning the handle slowly. _'If I stress myself out and worry and…'_ I cleared my mind for a second. Closing my eyes and allowing it all to fall away from me, as, in the end, none of it mattered anyway. I was good at that –letting things bounce off me with little to no affect. I needed _that_ ability now more than anything. _'If I let things get to me, it might bring it all back. I might induce another bout of hallucinations, and it would not be good if anyone else were to witness that…'_

The door opened, and in that moment it was too late to turn back. Whatever evils out here were going to get me if they so chose. _'They're waiting…'_ I heard myself think. Again, I had to outwardly shake the thought away.

Even with this thought, though, I made my way through the halls of the orphanage quickly –passing all of the other kids without making eye contact and without a single word. They were used to this sort of behavior from me, but I couldn't help but be thankful for that. I couldn't bear to look any of them in the eye and see those swirling emotions. It reminded me way too much of _that_ reality that I'd somehow escaped.

The library. I just needed to get to the library, and then everything would be alright. I could surround myself with towers of books –silent books- and read until all of time fell away, and the only thing left would be me and the endless knowledge. That was a calming thought…

The hallways seemed endless, but finally I reached the double doors of the library, and without giving myself time to let those thoughts intrude, I pushed the doors open and entered, a wave of security washing over me in that moment.

There were several tables spread out, many of which with numbers of kids sitting around them –reading and talking. _'Too many people.'_ I told myself, but at the same time, I couldn't exactly just walk out and leave all the information here without first obtaining and processing it all. _'They'll be watching me…'_ Again I shook my head. _'No! They're here to do the same thing I am –read and learn. Why would they care what I'm doing?'_ I reasoned with myself, then forced myself further into the room.

I quickly passed all the tables and turned into the first tall aisle of books that I saw. I began grabbing them off the shelves without looking at any of the titles. It didn't matter what any of them were about, so long as it was something useful that would help me towards my goal.

Before I even realized it, I was carrying too much to continue, so I instead dropped the stack in the middle of the aisle and sank to the floor in my usual sitting position. This felt right. This is what I was supposed to be doing. _'Now,'_ I told myself, opening three books and laying them out on the floor, _'I must obtain as much as I can. Who knows when things will start happening again.'_

At the mere prospect of that, my eyes began to fly across pages of each book; I took in everything I read and attempted to lock it away as best I knew how. Sociology, showing statistics and tables of different types of people around the world, biology drawing up numbers that described organisms too small to be viewed, and history of wars and people long since gone. All of it swarmed around in my head and at once I was seeing nothing else but the swirl of it all.

My eyes were on the book. My mind processed it all at a speed too fast to be understood by anyone but myself. But that wasn't fast enough. I wasn't taking in enough. This wasn't enough to keep me where I needed to be! And what would I be if not the best?

A loser.

I closed one of the books and threw it to the side –instantly grabbing another off the top of the stack and flipping it open. More science. Chemistry this time. Streams of long, balanced equations streamed across the page to try and explain every chemical that made up the universe.

The information from the Biology meshed with the Chemistry in my mind to slowly show me what was constantly in motion on Earth and in space, being created and destroyed all the time.

At once an image of life as we knew it came into being. Because I was taking in and understanding the fundamental elements that made everything up; what created everything outside the world, the world we live on, which led to us as people which led us to create the history of each of these civilizations all of which somehow inadvertently always led back to me and this absurd disorder!

"Near!" I suddenly heard shouted from the side, causing me to grimace. Of course my Schizophrenia wasn't sympathetic enough to let me forget Mello… that would just be too easy. I exhaled slightly. No, who was I kidding? What would I have done if I hadn't had _one_ tie back to the real world; if I didn't remember_ anyone_? Complete and utter destruction.

'_If anything, this disorder has been quite merciful on me_.' The admittance of that left a terrible taste in my mouth.

I listened as Mello walked closer to me, and knelt down; from the corner of my eye I could see him holding a couple of workbooks in his hand. I didn't want to say anything. I couldn't break focus now. Why did he always have to bother me at critical moments such as these? _This_ could be the reason I used to blatantly bother him, when it came time for exams. If he only knew the amount of times he bothered _me_…

"I've been trying to get your attention. Roger's making me give you lessons today, even though it's Saturday. Let's get this over with." There was so much detest in his voice; maybe not for me, but for what I put him through. I wondered, for a brief second while I flipped a couple pages, if he knew that I would give this up in a heartbeat and let him go back to ignoring my every existence if it meant freedom from the constant fear and paranoia I lived with.

"That won't be necessary today, Mello." I responded, without looking at him. "As I'm sure you're capable of deducting by now, I am perfectly able to teach myself today. Your assistance will not be required."

I felt the heated glare he sent me, and for a second I felt warm inside as I just barely touched the material of what my life used to be like. Constant competition. Constant jives at Mello just to anger him –for when he gets angry he overlooks the simplest of things. I wonder if he realizes that that's the reason it's so easy to constantly beat him. If he would simply calm down and not let me get under his skin so much, he would be a much more avid opponent.

"What did you say to me?" He said, loudly.

"You heard me. As you can see, I am reading and comprehending what I am reading." My brow creased in obvious confusion, "I'm not sure what happened, but today I am feeling much better."

Mello was slightly taken aback by this. "You're 'feeling better'? Near you don't have some disease that's just going to _go away_." He stated, azure eyes watching me intently –calculating how exactly he should deal with this situation -perhaps wondering whether or not I was being honest with him, or if I was just further lost in my own world.

Sometimes I wondered the same thing…

"I am quite aware of that fact, Mello." I told him. "However, with the right medications, it has been proven that Schizophrenics are able to control their hallucinations to a moderate level in order to be able to carry on a normal life." My eyes shot over to him –endless dark holes meeting frightened blue orbs heavily disguised by anger. "What's to say I haven't done the same?"

He hesitated a moment, and in that moment I watched his expression flicker between anger and fear –both targeted at the same thing; the possibility that I might still very well be competition in this race.

No matter what, the prospect of obtaining L's title never left anyone's mind. Especially not when it came to the two of us. I remembered that. I could latch onto that and use that as leverage to help me lift myself back up into my old life.

Mello knew that.

Mello feared that. I could see it.

He backed off a moment, his look finally settling back on that angry, yet confident stare he would always give me. "Do what you want, I don't care," He shot at me, "But _I'm_ not going to be the one Roger get's pissed off at later on when he finds out you're doing this."

"I didn't ask you to be the one." I retorted, my eyes moving back to the multiple books laying on the floor in front of me.

I felt his glare once more before he finally huffed and stood up, "Do whatever you want. I don't care." He said, turning and walking back out of the aisle, and finally there was peace and quiet around me once more.

I don't know how long I stayed in that library, just reading book after book and taking in whatever I could of what they had to offer me. There was so much to read, and so little time before I felt it would begin to slip through my grasp.

However, someone finally called that it was time for dinner, and I couldn't deny the need for sustenance, no matter how much I wanted to continue. I knew that without food, I would be at an even higher chance to forget whatever information I tried to take in, not to mention my ability to focus would be compromised.

So I exited the library with the other orphans and followed them out into the dining room, where the long table for everyone was set for dinner –just as it always was every evening.

I took my spot in the middle of the table, keeping my eyes downcast at the empty plate in front of me. I was away from the books, and every minute I was gone, I felt like my chances of losing any of the information I had gathered was skyrocketing. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be back there. I _had_ to read it all! I _had_ to remember! I_ had_ to feel like I was once again worthy of my title as number one!

Food was beginning to be served by the staff on everyone's plate. I couldn't even comprehend what it was as my mind was too far gone. It was brown, and there were greens and oranges on the other side of the plate. It didn't matter what it was. I just needed to eat it. The quicker I eat, meant the quicker I could get back to the library.

This was another everyday necessity that, since this disorder took hold on me, had become near impossible. It was all I could do to not just refuse food all together, usually. Somehow I always managed, though. It just took longer than everyone else. The sheer act of trying to tell yourself that what you're seeing is not real, that your food is not moving or screaming when you eat it, almost made it impossible. I know what I'm seeing and hearing when I hallucinate, and that was it. That was real to me.

There had been days where I had to take the food to my bedroom and eat, because I simply could not allow everyone else to see me at such a state. I found myself bothered by even the possibility that somebody might see the state that I was at. The top candidate to succeed L and I could barely even feed myself! I tried desperately to not let it get to me tonight. I was having such a good day, there was no way I could let it be ruined now by anxiety!

Suddenly, a chill rose up the back of my spine. The feeling of being watched took over me. This time, however, I knew it was not misplaced. This time I actually_ was_ being watched.

My eyes slowly rose towards the source of where I felt the stare coming from –directly across the table from me. _'I should've known…'_ I told myself, as our eyes locked. _'Mello…'_ His eyes were blank as he watched me. I had to admit, he was good at remaining adamant and focused when he needed. I guess it comes with that stubborn attitude of his.

Another competition grew between us the moment our eyes locked. A staring contest. Who would be the first to break contact and look away? It wasn't going to be me. But, Mello will be Mello. No matter how many times I win these silly competitions between the two of us, he continues to initiate them. _'Fine, if he wants to do this, then we will.'_ He didn't realize the kind of day I was having, I supposed.

But, the longer we watched each other, the more I felt myself beginning to panic for some unknown reason. I never knew anymore why I was always worried or afraid. I just _was_! Irrational and unexplainable fears is just part of being human, I always supposed.

'_Why is he watching me now?'_ I wondered. _'Is he waiting for me to mess up? Damn him… he knows these are the tasks I always struggle with.'_

But that didn't seem to be his motive. His blue eyes lacked a certain competitive fire he always had. No, winning wasn't what he was after, for once. It was something else. My head quirked to the side, "Mello, you're staring." I pointed out, still not breaking the contact.

"What can I…" My voice died off, my last sentence completely lost to memory. I was supposed to be saying something to him. What was I supposed to be trying to say, again? "What can I…" I attempted, swallowing hard. Dark eyes remained firm and serious on his, but I watched the way his faltered –questioning. The silent conversations we had with each other initializing.

"_What's wrong, Near?"_ I heard him ask with his eyes. Somehow I added in the snide tone to his words. It was just so fitting for him, I could hardly imagine him without it. Let alone with an emotion like _care_ in its place.

I shook my head, _"I'm fine. I don't know what you're talking about."_ My head shook once more without my control; under the table my fist clenched into the cloth of my pants. I had to control this. I held still and kept my look firm and unwavering. "Do for you… what can I." I swallowed hard, consciously ordering the words in my mind, "What can I do for you?" I finally forced out.

Mello didn't respond. His look simply turned more into one of confusion, with an underlying feeling of force behind it. _"Tell me."_ He ordered. But before I could even respond again his look and his eyes changed. Surprise. Realization. Focus. _"You're regressing back into that state again."_

My own look hardened, _"No."_

His eyes quickly shot to the entry way, _"Get out of here before you make a scene! You can't control yourself. I know you, Near, you don't want to make a scene. You might as well get out before you completely lose yourself in that head of yours!"_

He was right, and I knew he was. I had to get out of here before things got bad. Finally, I nodded, _"Fine."_ I broke our stares, ending the competition, in order to stand up. I had to focus much more now, to make sure I had control of everything and I wouldn't act out visibly. I stopped once I stood, however, and turned back to Mello, nodding once.

"_Thank you."_

He glared at me, _"Get, you idiot!"_

Yes, that was what I needed to do. I needed to get back to my room –back to the safety it offered me. There, I could be away from the outside world and all the demons that lay here. And perhaps there I could save the knowledge I'd so preciously obtained from slipping away from me.

I got to the stairs before things started changing. The walls started to move around me and echoing screams filtered into my ears telling me to run! But run from what? I didn't want to know.

My abilities became compromised halfway up the stairs. I had to grab the banister to support me and keep me up, as the fear of stopping consumed my entire being. My hands were shaking as I pulled my way up the stairs one by one out of fear.

'_Run!'_ Whoever was yelling in my ear demanded, _'Run!' _But I couldn't! I couldn't! My body just wouldn't move fast enough!

The world was caving in on me little by little and still I couldn't seem to stay ahead of it. I made it to the top of the stairs, but the hallway seemed to continue on forever, and as I looked at each individual door, I doubted my ability to recognize which door was my own.

"I-I can't…" I murmured, looking around me as I moved. "Where am I…?" Words would not form correctly, and all of my thoughts were jumbled too much for me to make sense of. Where was I going? What was I doing? The only thing I knew for sure, was that the world around me was falling into itself and I was becoming trapped in it unless I found some sort of exit! I needed to get out of this reality and into another, safer, one.

Things had been going so good, but I couldn't help but think that perhaps it had simply been a precursor to this inevitable end of the world.

I grabbed the handle of the door closest to me and threw it open, running in as best I could and slamming it behind me. _'Please… let everything stay outside! This is safe!'_ I begged mentally, my eyes closed.

I let my eyes slide open, but was met with much the same as the outside hallway had been –everything falling and colliding with each other as the world crashed and died around me. "No!" I heard myself shout. "Help!" But who would? Who wasn't already sucked in the black swirl of devastation?

'_Must… get out!'_ But how? How was I supposed to escape this, this time! Everything was blocked –the windows, the closet and even the bathroom were swirled up in the mass of destruction. _'Escape… escape… escape!'_ I repeated over and over, as if the simple word would help me think of something.

My eyes finally landed on my bedside table, and I realized what I needed to do to try and attempt to end this world and reach another. My medication! It always calmed my mind and made everything go away in the end, and today was enough proof of that.

I stumbled over to the bottle and forced it open, taking out two pills and quickly swallowing them before replacing the bottle on the table. I sat on my bed and closed my eyes as I waited for them to take effect.

"_Escape… Run!"_ The voice that echoed in my ears told me. _"You need to get out, Near. You need to make this all stop. Do it!" _

My eyes shot open, facing the black swirl that was once my room again. I looked over, noticing the open pill bottle on the bedside table. _'Why haven't I taken those?'_ I asked myself, quickly grabbing the bottle and shaking out two pills. I swallowed them hard and replaced the bottle, closing my eyes and waiting.

There was a loud bang from somewhere unknown. "Go away!" I shouted, "You're not real! It's not real! I know it!" I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, all of the medical terminology and scientific reasoning for why none of this was real. But it was behind a cloud and I was unable to reach it. What I could reach, was something in my mind telling me that this _was_ real. This was all happening to me.

"No…" _'No, it's not! It's not happening!'_ My eyes opened, looking at the floor. I refused to look at everything crashing around me. I didn't want to watch as everything I knew swirled and died in this void!

I looked over at the pill bottle on the table, and suddenly grabbed it. Something had left it open for me! As if asking me to take it! It was the cure. This would be how I escape this reality and jump to the next one before it was finally gone.

I scrambled to look at the label, to read and see how much I was supposed to take. But everything was blurred, or written in a language I couldn't understand.

"_Take it! Take it all!"_ Something told me.

'_I can't do that!'_ I screamed, but even so I found myself fishing out the little tablets, and swallowing each one without a conscious thought. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen? Maybe they were the way to freedom from this Hell!

I looked down, ready to take the leap into whatever lay in the next reality, but what I found there shocked me.

Nothing.

There were no more tablets in the bottle. All of them were gone. _'Who took my tablets? How am I supposed to get out of this now?' _I asked in a frantic, as I found my body suddenly shaking too much to continue holding it, and it fell to the floor with a hollow plopping sound.

'_I'm not going to escape… it finally got me…'_ I thought, feeling my body growing weak, despite how frantic my mind was. I lay backwards on my bed, letting my eyes lose focus as I starred at the ceiling and finally slip close.

In the darkness behind my closed eyes, I found that there was nothing. But finally, there was silence. Silence, peace, and a strange sense of calm as everything suddenly came to a standstill.

Finally, everything felt perfectly in place.

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A/N: Before anyone starts freaking out: No, this is not the ending. And before anyone starts screaming, "This is ooc!" I'll tell you, if you hadn't already gathered, Near only did what he did because he couldn't remember taking the pills only moments ago. He was so frantic that he was forgetting everything as he did it. But that's all I'm saying. Anyway, was that satisfactory after such a long wait? Let me know what you think.

Please review  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I apologize for the wait for this chapter. I got a little down about the story based on lack of responses to it, as I usually do unfortunately. But finally I sat down and forced myself to start writing this chapter. I actually had to write two drafts of it before I finally got it right. Ah well... I guess for a good product, it's worth doing another draft. Anyway, please enjoy this, and make sure to let me know what you think at the end. Also, I apologize profusely for the confusing last chapter. It was partly supposed to be that way, and partly just rushed. Please do forgive me and overlook that... This chapter, I feel, is much better. Give it a shot. Oh, and kudos to my beta for taking one step closer to being an actual writer. For the first time, she actually got to write a couple of the paragraphs for this story. I'm quite proud. ... Even if I did have to go back and edit some of em. Hehe... One step at a time!

Side note: There is a POLL on my profile about THE ENDING TO EROSION. If you would like to see this story finished, than please go to my profile and vote in your two cents about what you'd like to see!

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story… except the doctor.

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Chapter 14

_Another day, and another test to be taken. Another challenge set before us to promote a one-sided competition. One more test completed with utter perfection. Another soul crushed. It was to be expected, though; that was just what our lives had become. In a way, it felt like that was the way it was supposed to be._

_It didn't bother me in the least to live in a such a state. As the top standing student in Wammy's, I never dealt with the feeling of failure. I'd never lost this game and that was how I intended to keep it. Nothing would stop that as long as I had a say in it. Not even Mello and his ridiculous ideas of competition._

_He didn't have a chance, and there was always a side of me that wondered if he knew that…_

_But at the same time, I always had to wonder about him. I wondered whether Mello's heart was really in the competition for L's title. I didn't think so. That being said, I knew mine wasn't, either. This was simply a challenge set before me that suited my abilities. I knew I didn't have the heart for it like L did, in which the idea of justice flowed through him smooth as blood._

_Mello and myself… no, we were just in it for our own competition. I fully believed that if I was out of the competition, Mello would find no interest in being L. There would be no challenge in it anymore. There would be no one for him to play those mind games with._

_I often find myself vain enough to call myself the only reason Mello even sticks around Wammy's. _

_But at the same time… maybe he was the only reason I was here, as well. Would my life be as interesting if I didn't always have him around to continuously challenge me? __I suppose, if things were any other way, this competition would never be nearly as interesting._

_Nonetheless, that never stopped things from being tense between us. In a way, we had a set rule that we did not speak to one another, we did not deal with each other. We would live in our own completely separate worlds, and allow them to be bridged only by the competition._

_Walking carefully down the hall towards the common room, I looked up suddenly at the feeling of someone else entering the hall. Ironically, it was him. Though, somehow, I had to figure it was appropriate that he should appear the moment he enters my mind. As if I'm not allowed to have any break from him._

_Unwilling to let his presence bother me, I continued on, and he did the same -obviously with the same mindset. It fascinated me the way we did that, sometimes -sharing the same thoughts and reactions. And yet both of us being unable to move past our pride enough to admit that we make the perfect team._

_Crossing by each other, our eyes never once met and the tension between us was thick enough to cut through. There were so many things each of us wanted to say to the other, comments that needed to be made and walls that needed to be crossed. All of it hung in the air, but neither of us had the maturity to take the initiative and force the other to acknowledge it all._

_We both stopped nearly simultaneously -our backs the only thing facing the other. He was the first to speak; he always did have more initiative than I have ever possessed. "What did you get on the last exam?" he asked._

_A small smirk grew across my face. It was always the same games between us, and it all went back to being unable to take the initiative in order to move to the next level. A level we both needed to get to. _

_"You know exactly what I got, Mello," I told him seriously. "And you also know what you got, and that it was not good enough this time. Or any time, for that matter."_

_I could almost see his blue eyes narrowing on the nothingness in front of him. "I will beat you, Near…" He commented, and I could hear the wear and tear on that well-loved record. But whether or not it meant he was finally cracking and coming to realization…No. I didn't believe so. We were both too stubborn for that to ever happen._

_And then there was me, unable to stop myself from pushing his obvious buttons to set him off. Those set offs were the reason he hadn't, and wouldn't, win in the end. I often wondered if he knew that… "If that is the case," I pointed out, "Then why have you failed to accomplish it?"_

_In my head, I could see his fists clenching, his jaw locking and see the restrain in his eyes that kept him from launching an all out attack at me. He'd tried that before, years ago before our worlds were so separate, and I think he finally realized that that wasn't doing him any good whatsoever._

_I had to admit, despite the many mental prods I had put him through, he did have an incredible amount of self-restraint. Definitely something to be envied by many._

_"You're not that good, Near." He said suddenly, the self-restraint evident in his every syllable. "How can you think yourself to be so much better than all of us and so much more deserving of the title of L? No hand of God touched you and promised you that title!"_

_My look faltered a moment and my features contorted into confusion at what I heard behind me. The resolve… it was breaking. Was Mello breaking? Was divine intervention the last thing he had to hold on to in order to help himself feel he stood a chance against me? Knowing Mello for as long as I had, I wouldn't put it past him. _

_Religion was like his security blanket he used to wrap himself in when he needed it, and something he threw away so no one would see when he didn't. For him to pull that out now, for me, his enemy, to see… he had to be desperate. _

_There was a small voice in the back of my head that told me to back off. It's often referred to as a conscience, but I more appropriately refer to it simply as Mello's voice of reason. Being my opposite, that little voice seemed to alert me to those social interactions and exchanges that I didn't quite understand. Things he understood and delved in constantly._

_"You're correct." I told him, "but if I am not fated to have that title… then what makes you believe that you are?"_

_"I don't…" He replied simply and quietly, but with the same strain in his voice._

_I shrugged simply, raising my hand to spin a lock of hair, "Well, in that case then… I suppose we will both continue on with this little game you call a competition. And if in the end I do not end up with L's title, then obviously that was not your God's so called 'plan'. But, if I do, then perhaps you were wrong and that so called God did 'bless' me with that 'plan'."_

_With that said, I continued on my way down the hall towards the common room, leaving Mello speechless and perhaps his resolve even more cracked than it was before. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in seeing what would happen if it did fully break, anyway. But, today would not be that day._

_We would both go on to continue this little game, and leave those unsaid words hanging in the air. Maybe someday one of us would finally address those important statements…_

"Near…?" I heard echoing suddenly in my mind. "Near? Near?" The resounding voice ripped me out of the thought -the memory- and pulled me back into whatever the current reality was. Or maybe it wasn't… I couldn't be sure anymore.

My eyes slipped open and I couldn't help but look around, unfamiliar with the new surroundings. This wasn't Wammy's, that much I was sure about.

The office reminded me of Roger's office, but it wasn't his. There were bookshelves lining the walls with books I couldn't read the spine's of, and two large windows. One situated behind the large dark-wood desk in front of me, another on the wall to my right. There was a tree outside the window to my right, and I took note to the lack of leaves on the branches, and the way it blew in a strong wind outside.

It was fall now… where had the seasons gone? I couldn't even remember the last time I felt the warmth of spring sunshine on my skin as it filtered in through the windows of Wammy's. How long had I been without my consciousness? How long had I been living in that memory?

The memory…

My eyes remained glued to the tree outside, but things blurred and I was no longer seeing any of it. My thoughts traveled back to my memories once more; to that long past day in Wammy's when Mello and I crossed paths and I saw his resolve crack for the first time. The only day he'd ever allowed himself to show his blind devotion to God.

My heart clenched in my chest as I remembered my words to him. _'Divine intervention…_' I told myself. _'Divine punishment. This is a punishment only a god could administer.'_ But what for? For speaking against whatever was out there? For being so cruel to Mello as to force him to question his faith? Whatever it was… I wondered for a split second if there was any way I could repent and regain my mental health once more.

I didn't think so… even if by some miracle it could happen, I knew any god in their right mind would deny me, considering the unwavering doubt in my mind against the rationality of such a deity existing.

"Near?"

My eyes darted back to the wooden desk, where I for the first time recognized the existence of the other male in the room with me. Sitting behind the desk was a middle aged man with blonde hair and bright green eyes wearing black dress pants and a buttoned up white lab coat. He looked familiar… but I couldn't place how, or where I had seen him.

Those orbs watched me carefully, evaluating my every move. "Do you know where you are?" He asked carefully.

I felt my own look turn to confusion, and for a brief moment I wondered if he was, perhaps, reading my mind. Perhaps while I was unconscious they -whoever _they_ consisted of- had conducted sick medical experiments on me and had found a way into my mind.

I instantly shook off the thought with all its absurdities, instead reaching up to spin a lock of hair as I tried to more rationally analyze the situation. I gave as my only response a curt shake of the head.

He folded his fingers together and rested his head on them, leaning back in the chair. "Do you know who I am?" He inquired.

Again I shook my head.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

I thought back, into my cloudy memory and behind the ever present memory from years ago. "Trying to escape." I explained, letting my eyes slip closed as I tried to better envision what it was I remembered. "The world was closing in on me. I remember… trying to make it stop."

There was a moment of silence between us, broken only by the ticking of a clock from somewhere in the room I couldn't place. My eyes reopened, watching the man before me evaluate the situation; those green orbs darkening in a bit. I wondered what it meant… what was going on?

"You're in London, Near." He told me. "My name's Dr. Meloche. Do you remember that name? Do you remember who I am now?" He asked, and like a key to the door of my memories, suddenly another area of my past was unlocked and I was taken back, remembering what'd happened.

The train ride where the voices had nearly made me jump off. The brick houses I couldn't stand. Lots of talking that I couldn't comprehend, but jumpstarted the idea that I could rehabilitate myself to some degree anyway. That damned art museum where I'd freaked out…

I nodded, "I remember you," I told him. "Why am I… what am I doing here?"

"Mello found you unconscious in your room. There was an empty pill bottle beside you… it was believed you were attempting suicide and as such it was believed to be in your best interest if you were moved somewhere you can receive better help. As a result, you were committed here," he explained, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Committed?"

"You're at a psychiatric ward in London, Near. You've been here for about four days now."

The words hit me like a brick wall. It was a new low I didn't think I'd ever allow myself to reach. I thought if I just tried hard enough, I could get over this, or learn to live with it and continue living my life in the constant battle for L's title! I never thought I could've… would've, allowed myself to sink to this. Where I had become so useless that even Wammy's didn't want me anymore.

I felt my heart fall from my chest and sink through the floor boards beneath the couch I was sitting on. The only place I'd ever known to be home to me had given up on me… they'd placed me somewhere else… perhaps somewhere they felt I could be with my own _kind_.

I suddenly felt very sick…

"I wasn't…" I tried to defend myself. "I didn't try that. I only took two. Just like I'm supposed to." It was the best I could do to plead my case in such a state.

"According to your records," Dr. Meloche started, flipping through an open file on his desk. "The medical examiner found anywhere from fifteen to twenty…"

"Impossible…"

Again a brief moment of silence overtook us, in which I attempted to let all of this sink into me. I'd been committed… cast away from everyone in a home just for people society deemed unfit to breath the same air as them, and thus put them here. Out of sight out of mind, I suppose. That always did seem to be the way humanity worked… deny something you don't like's presence for long enough, and perhaps then people will forget it exists.

Four days I'd been here, I thought to myself. And yet this was the first time I could remember ever being here. Where had my mind been those days? Perhaps locked in that memory… perhaps locked in many memories that I couldn't remember. Perhaps it was my mind's way of trying to protect me from the shock of reality…

I wasn't sure which I would prefer, living a lie in my memories, or facing the harsh reality.

"Am I going to get to go home?" I found myself asking, my eyes slowly trailing away from the doctor back to the window. Something in the pleasantries of watching time slip by me made me think this could be bearable… especially if it was only time I had to wait to catch up to before I would be allowed home.

From the corner of my eyes I saw him shrug. "It depends all on you." He stated. "You were placed here because it was determined that this was the best course of action to ensure your well-being while you're considered a threat to yourself. However, if you prove you're no longer a threat to yourself and that you can handle going back into that sort of living standard… then you will be let out."

"I told you I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"I understand that, Near. Believe me, I do. But it's not me you need to convince. It's everyone else, who doesn't understand what you're going through," he tried to assure me, but it was an empty attempt. Even in my insanity I could see right through it. Or perhaps that was my paranoia… I couldn't tell anymore, and frankly I was getting tired of trying to differentiate between it all.

"You don't believe me."

"Actually, I do." He retorted. "I've dealt with many people with Schizophrenia, Near. Many much worse than you. Based on what I've seen from them, I understand that it is not themselves driving them to these self-mutilations or suicides, but the world they're living in within their mind. I understand how hard it is for you, and others, to try to live in a world you're not sure actually exists anymore."

I could feel how dead my eyes were as I turned to watch him, and listen to everything he had to say. I actually wasn't quite sure what I thought of his statement… "You only understand based on your research. Not firsthand experience. There is a distinct difference," I exhaled, feeling calm, composed, and ready for a battle of wits. It was a refreshing feeling… one I wasn't sure I'd had since… I couldn't even remember.

For the first time I felt _normal_ again… and without the desire to try and act or anything as I'd done the last time fate had granted me this little taste of my old life. Instead, I just wanted to stay in place and relish in the familiarity while I could, before it was stolen away from me again -like a cruel joke from life itself

He nodded. "You're correct. But with that research comes a lot of knowledge. There is a lot I could offer you, Near."

My look contorted into confusion. "What could you possibly offer me while I'm locked here? As long as I am here and out of the competition, there is nothing. My existence means nothing."

He gave a small smile. "You're doing well," he said, causing my expression to deepen. "Don't you feel better than you did at Wammy's? No one constantly watching you… no walls caving in on you? A better comprehension of the world around you, and the things I tell you?"

I remained quiet a moment, digesting what he was saying and trying to pin point exactly where he was going with this. My deductive skills were rusting as time moved on and I was beginning to stop using them. I hated it. "You're not going to manipulate me into wanting to stay here, doctor." I exclaimed.

He shook his head, "quite the opposite, actually. What I'm trying to do is show you the change. Before now, you were quite dead in action… your responses to anything anyone said to you were short, quiet, empty responses. I see now that, in light of the traumatic experience your mind sent you through, you regressed into it until now. I'm guessing till you thought it was safe again." He shrugged.

"What's your point with all of this?"

"My point is to show you that what you consider to be your 'old life', or rather the one at Wammy's in the competition, was the main source of all the stress and pressure put on you. Whereas, here, you are much more at ease. Much more connected to that 'old life'. There's nothing so much weighing you down and stressing you out to the point where your hallucinations take over. You're very close to what I'd assume would be normal for you."

I remained quiet, listening as the pieces fell into their proper place.

"When I first met you I did not quite understand the circumstances you faced, and thus thought that you were simply at a worse level of Schizophrenia than you are, and thus just prescribed you more anti-psychotic medications and figured stimulation of your thoughts would help rehabilitate you back into everyday life. However, in light of my recent understanding of all you're facing. I now understand why your Schizophrenia got as bad as it did."

He leaned forward on his hands, his eyes watching me. "The pressure of being the best out of everyone got to you, whether you felt it or not. And when that happened, your hallucinations ran rampant. I'm guessing that the moment you had a clear moment you overdid it trying to further live your old life, and when the pressure came back… every hallucination increased tenfold."

"So what do you suggest happen, then?" I asked, feeling my heart begin to race a hundred miles an hour at what he was saying. I hoped to anything out there that I wasn't hallucinating this. No, it felt much too real.

"What you need is just to learn how to control how you handle pressure and stress. You won't get complete release from the hallucinations, because that's just something that comes with Schizophrenia. But if we can control the environment around you that sets them off, then I have no reason to believe you couldn't begin competing for that title again."

I was silent, just watching him as if waiting for him to tell me it was too much to do, or it wouldn't be possible, or anything along those lines. But when nothing of the sort came, I breathed a heavy sigh, as if releasing all the pent up frustration I'd held all in one breath.

It felt as though I was pushing some invisible restart button. Or getting the chance to do things over. No, it was bigger than that. It felt like I was getting another shot at living a normal life, or as close to it as was possible for someone in my position.

Before the chaos of my illness had taken over, no, before my new life had started, I had always scorned the idea of a divine entity who could change the course of a human's life on a whim. I had always viewed it as a…weakness of sorts in Mello and other believers, as I had always viewed his blind devotion to an unseen power as foolish and hopelessly naive. Yet, in this moment….maybe it was because of the sudden change in my life's direction that made me feel as though Mello's belief in such a divine spirit might not be so wrong after all.

In a way, I could see doors down the hall of life's hallway of opportunities closing because of this condition. But at the same time, others were open, and for the first time, those became the center of my focus instead of hanging myself on all the possibilities I might be losing.

As I sat there on the couch, I bowed my head and began desperately thanking whatever may reside in the heavens above. I began praying to whatever entity that Mello believes in, this God, to forgive me…and to undo the erosion that left me in this state.

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A/N: Well, what did you think? I think that's actually one of my favorite chapters so far. I mean, not a lot happened I know, but at the same time, quality wise... I think it's one of the best. I wrote this at one or two AM when I was suddenly struck by the idea of how I should do the scene. Sure, some of it had to be re-worked a bit, but at the same time, I think it came out pretty much exactly how I saw it. The only thing I _didn't_ get to get in, because I couldn't find a place, was for Dr. Meloche to tell Near that he actually wasn't a doctor at the pysch ward, but they hired him on just to work with Near because of his familiarity with him. It's a minute thing, really, but it still bugs me a little bit. Oh well... Anyway, please let me know what you think of this chapter! Any response is better than leaving me in the dark.

Again, please make sure you vote in the poll on my profile!

Please review  
_-Forbiddensoul562_


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